marlenlife . yournal -

Apprehensive and the Food Stuff

Jul. 9th, 2009 at 11:30 PM

apprehensive

state of a being where one is not able to direct the situation and instead remains in an idle state -waiting for events to direct me instead of me directing mysefl

apprehensive - dread - idle - afraid

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within moments where I am not directing myself and instead, exist in an apprehensive state - waiting for events to direct me - instead of me being the directive principle in every moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as anxiety whenever I see myself being idle - not directing myself but waiting for events to happen instead of me directing them as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having created an experience of 'being waiting for something to happen' in my world in order to become 'someone' of 'importance' in order to gain 'fame' within that which I placed myself in - which is art

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in moments of uncertainty meaning, not directing myself in every moment - whenever I've already 'finished' that which I am suppossed to be doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I have always to be doing 'something'

I forgive m yself that I accepted and allowed myself for having been apprehensive since I was a little girl, existing in constant anxiety because of wanting everything to be done correctly, fast, accurate and perfect - if it didn't happen i would go into stress and anxiety

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for wanting things to happen fast, accurate and perfectly done all the time - creating or causing a discomfort whenever this doesn't happen.

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to exist in worry/concern caused by the desire of wanting to be in control of situations without directing them as me - but instead been placing some form of 'hope' that everything will get to the desired outcome

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever exist in a 'worryful' way, constant dread that limited myself within being able to move effectively in my life

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to follow family patterns of worrying and creating anxiety within myself whenever the outcome was uncertain

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience idleness in anxiety - not being in 'operation' therefore not being as myself here, but instead be waiting for events to arise so I can move myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directing myself in means of having a certain 'purpose' or 'something' to do - not taking the iniciative to do something/ to move myself in every moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judgle idleness as a state that is 'bad' because of being 'useless'/'ineffective'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself within the time that I take to be here as myself - doing nothing - and think that I always have to be doing something

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid idleness because of not wanting to feel that I'm being non-productive, lazy - uneffective

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into judgment when seeing idleness in other beings

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in judgment towards idleness because of fearing it myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel afraid of being 'idle' because of not having a 'purpose' or 'something to do' allowing this to affect how I am 'worthing' myself according to where I am and what I 'should be doing'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always be thinking that there is 'too much' to do -therefore I cannot stop and be idle - because it would be such a 'waste of time' - there is nothing to 'waste' - just moments of not directing myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in limitation in terms of 'spending' stuff that is able to be depleted - money, food and any other kind of 'supplies' - because of having created this idea of having limited resources, having limited amount of money - therefore creating an idea of how I have to live life according to these 'rules' that were implanted in my family.

So - the point that I faced today was my 'creation' the mental projection of not being able to 'work' because of having dry skin on my hand and tips on the fingers to the point of bleeding because of being grouting - therefore basically even typing here hurts

I've been Cooking this week with Leila which has been pretty cool, diffusing the points of fear towards making food for many people and all the 'hectic moves' that I would consider comes with it based on what I experienced with family and their 'parties' = making food for several people, having enough for all, making everyone satisfied -

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge people who throw away food or don't eat everything they take into their plate

If orgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge anyone that throws meals that I would still eat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that throwing away food will 'turn itself back ' at some point when that being will have nothing to eat and will desire to get those 'leftovers' back to eat them -

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create these thoughts based on what I deem to be 'right' as eating all food - not wasting anything

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider it's a kick in the ass for nature to be throwing away food - all is here, it goes back to earth anyways - anyways I have to clarify this point, still doesn't seem cool to me to see this

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to worry whenever I see food been thrown away into the garbage bin

If orgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be concerned because of not being separating garbage

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still think that by separating garbage I will 'contribute' to recycling, not realizing that if such system doesn't exist here - nothing will change anyways

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'recycling' is the 'way to go' without realizing that my starting point is that of 'saving' or 'reducing waste' which will inevitably still be here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there are ways to 'diminish' the inevitable lack of resources and earth's process of depletion

I forgive mysefl that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in fear of not having enough food to eat in the future

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to at some point desire that beings that spite food and judge food at the moment get their 'kick in the ass' when having no food to eat and wishing they had eaten such food and not despising it just by flavor

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge anyone that takes more than what they will be able to eat into their plate

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge anyone that takes 'more' for themselves without considering everyone else

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still react to ways of people and their ways of co-existing with others, not seeing that it's obvious that self interest is prominent within beings - including myself of course

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to create less of a 'turmoil' by not getting in the way of people - thinking that it's too 'chaotic' therefore i can make it 'less chaotic' - existence is like this - no man's an island - I embrace this experience which is actually cool testing and seeing how I am able to adapt myself to the environments

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create such uncertainty with regards to meal quantities, because of fearing 'wasting' too much food

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear scarcity

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear depletion

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear unavailability of resources to continue eating in this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear 'rough times' to come in terms of not being able to have food for everyone in sufficient amount

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having been used to having it 'all' anytime - without ever considering that what I get comes from money and not actual physical work of someone that had to take care of it to get to my plate.

Jul. 2nd, 2009

10:44 PM

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience fear and the dream of me going back to mexico as a 'nightmare'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear this point

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel anxious and desperate in the dream when seeing myself covered in a rash

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear going back to 'my life'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear going back to mexico and not being able to come back here ever again

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as 'hollow' today, without realizing that I've been certainly used to be 'experiencing' something from an energetic perspective instead of really actually physically only being Here as me as the breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as 'different' from a perspective of what I've been used to before

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so used to experiencing myself within an energetic experience which existed only in means of supporting the mind and the system as what we are all currently existing as

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to program myself to be having a 'grin' on my face all the time in means of showing that I am 'here' or 'enjoying' myself - enjoying myself as here doesn't require a physical gesture which is actually causing stress in my face - I am here, stable, enjoying myself

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to be 'bothered' by the experience of a constant subtle headache without being able to pinpoint its origin point

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to program myself as my physical without being aware of myself within it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel 'odd' in terms of having to eat and shit and drink and whatever every single day

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel tired of eating

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel tired of having the same meals over and over again

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see what's best for my body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a 'tiredness' that manifests within my body and not being able to see or pin point why

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be used to 'having something to do' all the time, therefore feeling like I'm 'wasting my time' whenever there's 'nothing' to do -

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a 'detachment' from my environment today - instead of being here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be affected by my own dream-mind creation that I assessed as a 'nightmare' as going back

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to where I am, instead of realizing it's about who I am all that matters

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to accept this 'void' as myself instead of trying to 'experience' something as what I was used to

See the point is that the experiences are here - they are no longer defined by an energetic experience which is causing quite a shift in my daily experience - so that's my the mind tries to see it as a 'tiredness' or even a 'hollowness' but it's just that we've all been used to getting this energy from all sorts of things - and when that isn't happening as it used to, mind tries to find names and certain 'states' of mind - so, I have to be gentle on myself within this, realizing that it will take time and that the complete stabilization of me as the physical won't happen overnight.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as having lost my 'joy' as 'who i used to be' without realizing that such joy was an energetic experience that I was used to exist as

i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define 'aliveness' within me as being a "joyful" being - without realizing all the stuff that I was triggering within myself from an energetic experience

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within a constant 'tension' in certain parts of my body because of not being fully aware of myself in every moment but instead, being existing in the mind and holding the physical as the mind which is basically ignoring all of the body in itself and placing all focus and attention to thoughts, pictures, ideas, etc etc

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience sickness within me without being able to give it a name

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be pissed off at myself every time I wake up one hour later than usual

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I always have to have 'something' to say

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live within a constant need to 'be doing something'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within the perception of making someone 'uncomfortable' without realizing that I am the only one creating this experience/perception within myself as myself - therefore, creating my reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I'm taking things too 'lightly'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a 'tiredness' from having this constant headache -

One Month

Jul. 1st, 2009 at 8:35 PM

So! Yeah I had problems with my password and the multiply site - so I'll be posting and updating here -

Well the farm experience has been overall very cool, been here for One Month already and yeah, time flies - I haven't written that much because the experience has been overall stable - being here is really like stepping into a place where I am able to be comfortable, to be 'understood' from the perspective of being with beings that are aware of Desteni and process - which obviously was a point that I hadn't lived when being 'at home' - that's been fucking awesome really.

I've been helping with the building, from cutting the pieces of wood, learning to drill, scrape, sand, Varnish!!! which I enjoyed - well I enjoyed all of it but I enjoy doing stuff with brushes - and yeah now I've been tiling which is also cool and grouting - filling the gaps in between the tiles - and it's quite cool seeing how the whole process of building gets to the final stage of seeing one room finished - Andrew's room is now done and it's quite cool seeing that we all got to work on it - the point is that I just allowed myself to participate and let go of all ideas, beliefs, perceptions of 'what I could do' or what I wasn't able to due based on past beliefs of my own physicality and what 'I can handle' I mean, I haven't had a problem with any of these activities and what's most cool is that when you're working, you're only focused on that - breath by breath: finding wood, cutting, sanding, scraping, tiling, grouting, cleaning, varnishing, etc - it's all stuff that is done bit by bit and THEN you get the whole picture and you got a wall, you got a tiled floor, you got a room varnished, you got a room clean.

I find it very cool as well to take turns in the washing of dishes and stuff - I enjoy cleaning anyways so it has been quite easy to flow in that way. Lol it was cool when I got my laundry and dried it outside in the most fucking windy day, most of my clothes were on the grass after a while. I mean, I have been used to living in cities (huge ones) so, it's been a huge change and I'm enjoying it a lot.

Last saturday we went shopping, it was the first time I left the Farm since I arrived on june 1st - which meant 20 plus days of not getting into a car and moving away which was interesting - bought the necessary stuff and some art supplies - yet seeing too many people in the mall, different races all over was intersting but too hectic - I simly smiled when coming back to the farm, calmness all over again, ahh such a nice moment to come back, lol.

Listening to Bernard's talks and discussions is just fucking cool and I get the stuff more and more each day, seeing the points, the obvious - going all cool that way. Since the Evolution of the Elite System was removed from my back, that pain that I was experiences since arriving here in the back was gone, not completely, but I realize that it is now up to me to stabilize myself as the physical, to actually support myself in the physical and in all ways to change my physical body according to how I am supposed to really be as Life, not as a body that existed for the sole purpose of supporting a system - yeah was kind of shocking realizing what that system stood for, the definiton of perfection of fuckedupness as how the system works - yet Forgiving it all is the way to go, because it is a system, and as this system was removed from the physical so it Is for all as One - and with transcending this point, it's transcending for everyone as equals in such point. The burden was never real then, it was a program, I existed as that design and therefore, realizing how fuckedup systems and manifestations are made me realize that it's even one more reason to stand up and to fuck the system within the Principle of ONeness and Equality - there's nothing else really, lol. All is here, we are here, there is fuck nothing to fear - we are the creators and as creators we will stand and make a difference as Life - otherwise everything will just fucking blow and we'll have to do it all over again.

Working with Leila in the video editing and process was also cool, getting to the point of having to work with another and taking another into consdieration was cool, pushed through that resistance immediately, eventually came out in a cool way so that was cool.

I enjoy being with people here, I enjoy drinking coffee, eating rusks, being by the fire, feeding the dogs, throwing the ball at timeless and all the dogs here etc.

I had to look at the point of liking a particular set of foods like fruits and yoghurt and stuff like that, which I've made believe that it is actually 'good' for me without even investigating it, just going by that which I heard or 'knew' from what the media says, family says, apparent 'professionals' on the matter, etc. So I realized that I was placing 'my liking' in front of what's best for my body - yet I cannot change my ways of feeding myself overnight, will have to see what suits me, otherwise my stomach reacts and it's not good - I already tried, not working that well but I've only been looking at it for one day now so....

A cool point that I'm living here is being unconditional - like being up to any kind of work that I can support with, I enjoy that, challenging myself whenever I can. Like, lol, I reacted when bernard said that one person will be cooking for a whole week from next week on, so due to my reaction I am going to cook next week which is cool, facing the fucking fear of cooking for many people - getting enough food, that the food is actually edible etc, lol - I haven't really ever cooked but some two weeks ago I made some mexican 'enchiladas' for brunch and most of the people liked it -including those horsemanship guys from austrailia -so that was cool, so.. yeah should be fine on cooking - whatever pops up that I have to face, I push myself to it, otherwise, how else will I get rid of any resistance?

Probably the only resistance that comes to my mind from now and then is going home, lol, things are getting quite fucked up there as people go dying and members of family are facing themselves in various situations - now they are saying that they now 'know' what I meant by all this 'process' and self forgiveness and all that which I repeatedly explained to them- they are now 'getting it' - well some of them' due to the shit that's hitting the fan in their lives. I don't want to think of the future or 'going back' fuck no, not at this moment

So I'm basically enjoying every moment here - yeah I got sick like the first week, part of the purification getting here, got weird pimples that I hadn't ever really had in such nature - I've been having massage sessions with Leila and she's been fucking cool assistance with difusing the physical christals that were formed due to such system manifestation on my back - my back is no longer such a hard block of skin which is quite fucking cool as well. I've enjoyed being with her a lot as well, everyone here really - I enjoy the way day by day new stuff comes up to make /do/realize, seeing how everyone's facing points and just the usual shit on day to day life here -eating, shitting, drinking coffee, smoking, working, discussing, etc etc etc.

So that's my 'farm experience' - finding stability here, enjoying laying on the grass watching the trees yet, opening eyes to see the fuckedupness of the system and all that we aren't aware of - seeing that we've limited ourselves to the extent of not being aware of our physical and its processes - this is one of the reasons of why i am here, getting in touch with the physical which is the main point for me now - i've mostly sorted out the major shit in the mind so it's not about physical alignment - so we'll see.

Ok that's it. Enjoy!

The original pain

Jun. 6th, 2009 at 10:34 PM

So

I just watched a movie and some points opened up with regards to finally seeing myself from 'the outside' and realizing what I've done, what I participated in while deciding to take drugs. It was as just one moment of realizing - ok, fuck, I engaged myself on that, I did that by my own will, I deliberately fucked myself, I deliberately abused myself through that.

The point of realizing that pot has been this physical manifested part within myself was quite a knock-out - because in that moment I realized that I have to face the consequences of everything I've done, everything I deliberately experienced and placed myself through - there's no 'going out' of that. So, there was this sadness that popped up in me the moment I was watching this movie and seeing people getting deliberately fucked up by drugs and eventually trapping themselves into it, enrolling themselves in aimless conversations in means of losing their minds - yep, I relate myself to that yet, fuck - it's really like one hard thing to see actually, because one can relate to that - to a certain extent of course -

I mean figure it out, I've managed to get 6 months of no sex today - and I'm so off of that and facing many other points that really, I see how I based my life upon such things that eventually trapped me - I trapped myself by being completely dishonest in the starting point of such activities: to escape from myself, to just apparentely be 'free' in a certain way - and the fact that I wasn't able to see that in that moment was actually what breaks me - because I cannot figure out how I allowed myself to go there, to do all the stuff I did, to allow all the shit I went through - and it all boils down to not loving or accepting myself - seeking recognition and an eventual moment where I could like just 'be me' never realizing I was just creating this program of myself where I could simply hide the fact that I wasn't just accepting myself, feeling misery and suffering and somewhat this 'feeling miserable' experience - we are fucked the moment we cannot fathom, we cannot understand why we experience this, we have no fucking idea yet we accept it as ourselves - that's what happens with programs, that's what happens when we try and seek something else to numb the 'original pain'.

So when exploring the 'original pain' I see the point of getting into stuff that was programmed 'by default' within me due to where I 'come from' talking about family bloodline, etc. And there's just shit that we are balancing out without even knowing therefore, being just fucked by that - this is how the world is fucked extensively, because... I mean, we cannot see the whole design, we play it out - therefore we have to get to see ourselves in order to know how the program works and be able to eventually release it, working through it with Self Forgiveness, as Self Forgiveness - there's no other way, I mean, how could I possibly keep myself existing in blame and remorse for what I've done or been through in the past? It's there, it's gone - yeah I face the consequence and I work with that here.

It was interesting because of this 'family point' opening up within me today and I dreamed of this huge devastating wind going on in my 'home city', it almost looked 'movie like' because there was like these blankets that were just like drying out and with the wind they looked like huge flags waving with the great wind while the sky was just filthy grey, just as if this devastating torment was coming right away. lol, I guess It's my own fear of death and related to 'where i come from' etc.

Anyways... I'm going through a tough moment having my period and having a flu - although I have a very cool time just being here, physically working and talking to people here - I'll breathe through the sickness and see what comes out - it has just worsened in the last hours.

So I'll share some SF on my experience towards drugs and my past

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself for having deliberately placed myself within a dependecy habit towards something/someone that would allow me to "escape" from myself, never realizing or actually seeing what I was doing to myself.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty and remorseful and very sad when seeing myself reflected upon a movie as people that deliberately seek to fuck themselves up in means of losing themselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience immense sadness when realizing what we as humans, as people do to ourselves when we decide to take and do anything we can and is available for us to fuck ourselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel angry at myself for what I accepted within my life in the past, to feel ashamed of myself as my past, to deem myself as being too stupid for having done and created those events within my life that deliberately kept me in my own bubble where everything that went on was actually simply an illusion, my own 'well-being' creation while existing in separaton of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad for what I as all as one and equal are existing as, as sad, fucked, lost beings with no directive principle as life - but only seeking ways to entertain ourselves, to fuck, to keep us busy, to ignore life, ....

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad because of the way this world was set up

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to carray with the suffering of the world as me, to feel it as me as a burden in my back

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a 'strong' personality out of me while denying the actual self that is aware of self abuse existing as me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to overlook the anger at myself I experience the moment I realize how I fucked myself and how I am facing the consequnces at an unpredictable level: the physical

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel and think that by being completely self honest wtihin me I will be able to 'solve' all my situation, not realizing that it is just the beginning of the actual point of change within me as me - doesn't mean anything really.
It's just who I really am, and I am merely peeling the layers off.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel attached to my memories, to feel threatened by memories, to feel ashamed of my memories.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish I could change my decisions and actions that I took in the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a great amount of pain and discomfort at the moment and allow it to rule and numb me, instead of breathing through it and just be here.

I'm facing myself, that's all I care about, that's what I'm here to be.

hooking on the physical

Jun. 3rd, 2009 at 10:39 PM

Compassion

Through my life experience I have existed as someone's support, feeling some kind of 'duty' to be someone's 'cane' to stand, actually carrying their own stuff as myself and within this, losing myself completely. Why did I do this? Compassion - I've now understood that this is what has kept me caged in the idea/belief/perception that I have to suffer equally to someone that is near me/in my world. What does this entail? Well, many things actually.

First of all, there's the realization that I cannot fucking do anything for anyone else if I haven't yet dealt with me and my own shit - this is what I have been actually repeating as a pattern as I've created relationships. We will always exist in relationships towards anything or anyone else, this is how it is - but the change exists on where and how I stand towards those relationships: am I carrying the load on my back or am I simply remaining, being stable as them. The point resides in the letting go of this idea/belief/perception that I must 'carry the load' along with someone else, that I have to stand by them through their own shit, without realizing that within this I am letting myself 'down' as well as them - basically allowing suffering within me as them and viceversa.

This has been a recurrent event throughout my life and it is quite interesting seeing that I have actually adopted such ways without being fully aware of it - yeah, I have already discussed here how I fucked my life in such a way because of standing by someone's shit, living their life and forgetting about myself completely - which I did in two relationships, specifically - and it was during these situations that I became quite dependent on others. So it's quite fucked because you get dependent on someone else's process, without realizing that everyone is completely alone in this, I cannot change/affect another in their process as everything goes back around the one that creates it. There's no other way, and we will have to face each and every single thing we have ever done.

I have now realized how the weed smoking has affected me in extensive ways that are physically manifested now, which means that even if I've already quit I'm still 'in it' in terms of how it has actually remained in myself - so I have to move through forgiveness to release these points - fuck like I really would never have imagined the actual long-lasting effects of it. Fuck, really the moment I was told this I felt like fucking crying because it was something I actually did/created to myself, that isn't cool at all, at all and it's like fuck - really, inmense regret immediately came up and now I know what is it like to face the manifested consequences. So, that will be quite interesting in terms of how I stand and go through the actual identification of the system so I can face it and release it eventually. This is possible as I am the creator of this construct - it's able to be torn apart, but of course this isn't as easy as constructing it. Deconstruction is the way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like crying the moment of realizing that I've fucked myself extensively because of the weed smoking, regretting ever having decided taking the 'easy solution' of weed smoking in means of escaping from myself.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to actually manifest myself as a structure, as a construct of a certain personality that I played out in means of feeling like 'more than I already am' - which eventually means that I didn't accept myself as I am here, in the simplicity of breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret immensly having opted to smoke weed in means of 'being something more' than who I already am, creating an immense separation from who I really am as I placed myself in a bubble where I created a personality of myself, wanting to be 'more' than what and who I already am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the physical manifested consequences of my choices in the past as having chosen to smoke weed in order to escape from myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link the use of weed to two relationships in my life - therefore still existing as the personality I developed while being within and as those relationships in my life - meaning that I haven't yet lived myself at all - fuck.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that pain is actually some kind of punishment for what I have done/created in my life experience, instead of realizing that pain is assiting and will be able to establish myself more in the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that this weed regret will never end, instead of unconditionally standing and tearing the construct apart.

I forgive myself that i accepted and allowed myself to create a bubble where I am existing as a 'weed consumer' therefore, creating a certain personality according to how I wanted to be perceived and how I experienced myself while in it - being someone that is apparently 'more free' than anyone else, that is 'special' and in some kind of 'spiritual path'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself into thinking that I can only do certain kind of activities and things, never actually realizing that I cannot fucking limit myself like that, that I am a living being and not a personality suit

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still limit myself by cultural ideas/beliefs/perceptions of how things have to be and be done

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create some kind of morality according to my cultural background, not realizing that morality is limitation in this world - is a judgement based on polarity, which isn't real and only creates unnecessary shit as control

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I could've been 'someone better' if I hadn't had and created such habits as weed smoking, not realizing that within this I'm falling into unnecessary loops of guilt and regret and morality based on 'who i want to be' as a polarity definition of what I could see as 'good and bad' instead of realizing that none of that is real

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel so fucking lost because I have never lived myself for real, because I have always lived as a personality, as a separate bubble from the rest of myself as all as one as equal

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider that will be very difficult to get rid of physical manifested consequences of my past actions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I always have to be doing something of 'worth and value' because that's the only way that I can feel 'good' about myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still be seeking for recognition and doubting in recognizing so

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel 'pointed out' because of being told the dishonesties I'm existing and living as, instead of being grateful for them and accepting facing myself no matter what.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually feel quite 'fucked' because I could've actually chosen not to fuck myself with external substances in order to have some 'good time'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get a bit concerned whenever I'm not fully able to understand others because of language difference.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from others just because of language, which is also a system, a construct - therefore a limitation to communicate

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I have to fear hurting anyone's feelings because of having to let go of compassion

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as compassion, to exist as the desire to stand by someone's suffering, to deny myself to stand and remain stable because of seeing that someone else is suffering/going through a 'tough time'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be feeling 'too much' in times when I see suffering, when I see 'injustice', when I see abuse because within this I am supporting suffering and the existence thereof, because I am the creator of my reality, even if I don't realize it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow any mind suggestions on to what is 'best for me' according to my interests

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must be 'solidary' to people and sufer their pain and stand as their 'support' - fuck knows why

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually fear losing the compassion I have existed as until now, because I am deeming it as being something 'good' within me -. never considering the actual existence of it as something that isn't what's best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directly affected by what others are experiencing within themselves, wanting to be solidary with them and their experience, instead of seeing and realizing that I have to focus on myself - that's it. +

I am actually experiencing myself in a cool way - besides the physical pains and discomfort and the 'floating' experience, lol - i'm feeling comfortable but yeah I'm here to face myself so whatever happens and comes my way I know it will be for assisting purposes, so as I've said today - I'm up for anything and so I'll just hook myself back on the physical - remember kids, it's the only thing that's real. This is going to be such a ride

cool.

on the physical

May. 22nd, 2009 at 11:46 PM

I'm physically exhausted at the moment. Have had some kind of 'rough' realizations about my body. My spine is crooked from the bad posture habits I have, the kind of experience I'm dealing with at the moment is Self Abandonement, realizing that I accepted and allowed myself to keep on going with such bad posture that has lead me to have uneven standing pose with a hunched back which enhances back pains = not cool at all. And so I remembered all the people that used to (according to me) vex me with my posture: my friends and their parents, my family, anyone really yet I saw them as that, merely annoying comments on myself. How silly it was really, me hiding hunching because of not wanting to look arrogant or in a way of 'showing myself off'. This is mostly something I regret. Ok, there's still 'time' to correct this, but somehow it's been so unnecessary. Yeah and I 'love' the way doctors play the whole future scenario for you, yep like basically describing your worst fears with regards to the degerative physical problems - all the dna load plus the posture I added myself. Fuck - Have to work on that this summer, I know all this physical manifestation has something to do with my inner process as everything else, we'll work it out.

THen went to the dentist to check my teeth 8 months after I fell of the bike and hit my teeth badly on the pavement - yep the great fall - one of them is dying, fuck. So I will have to get a root canal later..... damn, I really tried to keep them 'alive' but I guess there are inevitable things and yeah I guess today I faced my fear of aging, fear of seeing my body 'die' in a way, getting old - and I'm only 22! lol yeah such a drama I get it - and I've only gotten quite a headache out of this all.

It was mostly a hard-working week. I drained and sucked myself dry working in the workshop to get many prints, to use all the paper I had left and having a cool time around people there as well. It's fucking strange because there are people that suddenly out of the blue they openly admit they 'admire me' or 'want to be like me' or simply 'really like me' - like this girl that just said that 'I' was the person she liked the most 'being' with since she stopped being an anti-social person, lol. It's funny because some of these people I actually thought they didn't necessarily 'liked me' - yet having them saying such things in the open it's cool, makes me realize how much I assess shit on my mind - In the other hand it's not like I'm feeling 'better' about that... I just express myself and I got to be quite comfortable around those people after spending so many hours working together in the same place, this school year there was cool because of getting to see how some people are willing to work in team and unconditionally support and help if they are able to, that is something I wasn't used to at all, specially here in the city where I live in and the previous schools I went to. Many are now asking all details on the trip and there's this one mate that is almost asking everyday stuff about it, lol, they're all cool cats. I still have to give the last 'kick' with school work to leave everything done and finished - I have been mostly enjoying being by myself in the apartment because I know soon it will be all the way around, so that's been mostly it.

I went to get some mexican music at my aunt's house, loads of it as it was a request by some at the farm. My family's being very supportive with the whole trip, making sure I get all I need, that I am physically ok, etc. I guess now I fear being 'ungrateful' towards them, letting them 'down' in any way which is something that has been kind of a 'warning' for such a long time - but this is where I have to make a stand and not to watch out and care for what others 'want for me' or 'expect me to be' - even though at this very moment it's all like going haywire in terms of suddenly getting that 'recognition point' that I've actually created by all the effort and work I've done - probably from a dishonest starting point as 'wanting to prove myself' that I was capable of 'making it' through - The moment I begin thinking of doing things for a desired outcome/purpose, that moment I lose my expression in the moment and just do things to achieve something, to prove myself to others as well. Probably beginning with the fact of having wanted to make 'art school' "my place", the place I had to be and within that, just making sure I 'made it there' even though I saw the pointless routine it was, the trivial side of it all. At times I feel as If I was just going to suddenly 'die' as who I am, like physically changing myself from place and environment will sure be a definitive change that will probably support the detachment of the idea of me, that's all I'm waiting for, that's what I've been waiting for over a year now, lol - how cool.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be punishing myself with regret for not having done something about my body posture to prevent myself from getting the now physically manifested consequences of not paying attention to my body, because of considering it as merely a disposable vehicle where I placed more emphasis on the 'spirit/soul' than the body, therefore allowing and accepting the whole separation I created/manifested towards myself as my body

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to disregards any body posture correction advice I got from other people because I just took it as the kind of 'advices' that were persuading me to get to be/behave/stand as someone that is specifically wanting to look 'attractive' or 'arrogant' or what not - within that dissociating myself from my body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be experiencing self-abandonement today with regards to the physical state of my own body, regretting not having placed enough attention before to avoid the now effects and reactions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget about the breath in moments where I get tormented with regards to my physical body and it's current state having certain anomalies

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be mentally tormenting myself with 'what ifs' with regards to what could happen in the future if I don't correct my anomalies at this moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel angry and disappointed at myself because of not having placed enough care and attention to my physical body, because of not accepting it completely and embracing it one and equal as me - but instead treating it as something 'less' than who I really am, instead of seeing the obvious as existing HERE within and as the Physical Body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create such a distress from all the news about my body I got today, fearing that I might have no 'solution' not realizing that I am not even taking into consideration the practical change and stopping of habits here in the moment, but instead being worrying pointlessly about it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feed expectations and ideas people are creating about me because I have placed an intention/purpose of proving myself to myself that I was able to get 'a place' within the place I was supposedly 'meant to be at' - a place where I wouldn't be appreciated by my 'mental abilities' - instead 'earning a place' through work and "inspiration".

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to exist in worry and concern about myself as my body in few years time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having resisted so much to face myself as the physical, merely denying that I had any problem or situation going around, instead of giving it immediate attention.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear ending up like some family members with multiple affections in the verge of death.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create such a terrible headache within worrying and being concerned about my body and the future procedures to 'fix it'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to defeat myself in thinking that 'it will be too hard to change my body habits.

Ok, I have to sleep now,

thanks.

On demo-crazy

May. 17th, 2009 at 5:02 PM

Ok been dealing with stuff I have to get done before leaving... but I had an interesting conversation with my uncle and aunt the other day during breakfast after I spent the night in their house. THey are let's say encumbered leftists - specifically my uncle - who dedicates his life to play this role within his world amongst with friends and people that follow the say 'leftist' mode of being a 'citizen' within our society system which is 'at the moment' considered of the 'conservative right' according to the fucking poles that usually rule and create the division/polarization of society within Ideas of 'how things should be' according to what fits their own individual interest - you know, politics- pole and ticks. Yep and we 'participate in that' as a way to make ourselves 'proud' of exerting our 'citizenship' in a "responsible" way by just flipping a coin and 'deciding' who fits such places of 'power' according to 'what's best for all' - lol. We have to laugh at this, seriously.

My uncle began throwing shit at the current president for not being 'working and being effective enough' within the difficult times that 'our country' is going through - fuck, I bet he's never ever considered himself AS the president, at all. So I was listening to his arguments on how the government does this and that and violence and drug dealers, etc etc etc. I mean, he might as well have been repeating the same shit over and over again for most of his life - because only names and 'parties' change, scenario might change a bit as well but the essence of the bullshit act of voting and being severely fucked by this apparent 'choice' that people 'make' to get what's apparently 'best for all' - has repeated over and over again. I had to simply just stop those statements and reverted the situation in means of US understanding that WE have to Take the Responsibility for what's going on within this world AS us. That we can't just go on blaming - because oh we so love to do that - people that We place in those positions to fix our world, to take all the load and solve our problems, yeah just like a messiah or something like that (ehm ehm just look at how Obama was being considered like by most people in the US and outside of it). HOw far have we gotten in this delusion of 'delegation of power' in means of 'good for all' ? hmm. So outdated - we all know it's just a mere play out by these people in power and by ourselves pretending to be 'responsible citizens' by crossing one color or another in an election ballot.

how is that so?, really - and what amazes me the most is that this is known by most of people, everyone just loves on ranting about these kind of shit going on with politics and their policies - but, we still submit to it and say 'oh, well, but... what can we do about it? it's been like that forever! ' - which simply indicates that we are deciding to remain completely submitted and fucked by our own 'choice' -
So, this uncle understood that yeah, there's not going to be any real change unless we all start changing individually, considering what is really to take responsibility - so the inevitable was talking then about money and how money creates this general disease fed by greed of power which is simply fed by the very same system existing/based upon self interest and its general feeding to keep the same circuit 'running' - so yeah,ok then

we discussed Money being the Real God in this existence - so I placed the Equal money for All at Birth Campaign and he didn't say much about it, he limited himself to be and remain quiet while I explained this, how people's lives could radically change from a 'survival mode' to a dignified way of life that would veer then to self expression - most problems we're facing at a social-interaction level and the way these support the actual system, would diminish considerably and how then life wouldn't be such a fucking draining thing for everyone day by day - I explained how I see no fucking future in this but the eventual destruction of the current system, the current fucking way we're "living" - had to place the perspective on how kids are being spoonfed by these ideas of status and desire for money within the very programs and movies they get as 'babysitting entertainment' - yep, tv as the main member of a family that is able to keep them quiet and static for long periods of time, while parents are able to gracefully abdicate their responsibility as Parents for bringing Life into this world - without ever fucking seeing what it really IS to spawn another you within this world - so we discussed Disney, the obvious and most talked about 'children's entertainment enterprise' that is considered 'family friendly' without seeing the roles that are being portrayed there, that are being taught and created as a 'need' within girls and boys at a tender age, where they certainly act as a 'school' of how 'life's supposed to be' - specially with women desiring their 'prince charming' to come and save them. How fucked -

My guess is that after all this long and exemplified discussion, he kind of realized that he's not doing anything at all by merely ranting and cursing on the system, the 'president' and 'the right' - his silence and absence of any other opinion that could deny or refute what I explained - because it is based in obvious common sense (to round it up even more) - then my aunt came downstairs where we were having coffee and discussing this and joined the talk while going to the kitchen for breakfast. SO then I explained my upcoming trip to SA and what I'm into at the moment, what we dedicate ourselves with - it was really cool to explain all of this to them, because they had no idea of what I have been doing for the past year or so - besides the usual stuff at school - I could see that when I explained on self forgiveness and how we have to unconditionally forgive everything that we've experienced within our life experience, because it is what we accepted and allowed of ourselves to be and become, by believing in it, placing trust and eventually 'playing it out' makes us all equal in existing in a conditioned way within our mind - which is not real -

I enjoyed very much discussing this with them because, as I explained I would have them as some kind of 'role models' because of considering them bieng 'radical' and not adjusting to what's usually acceptable in society - though later on I realized that they are just part of the same game, yep, playing the 'left side' wthich is still defined and created as a counterpart (polar tie) of 'the right' and then... they are no less slaves than the rest of the people - so I did mention stuff that could easily fit within their programmed self definitions of being 'leftists' and within that, realized that I had no fear or shame of talking about that, even if the description would fit them nicely. They were cool because they unconditionally listend to all I had to say, they would usually nod to stuff I was commenting and sometimes, when getting to the nitty-gritty details of opening the all time famous 'cans of worms', they would express some kind of shame and sadness within their faces - so I would keep talking to let them know that this is normal, that it is all about focusing on ourselves, suggested them to write it all out and forgive it, to set themselves/ourselves free from the past, from such burdens that even manifest physically.

My aunt ended up being very enthusiastic about me going there and the stuff I'll be doing/working on - and how I will be placing myself in the ultimate test beyond my environment, my usual comfort and security that family provide for me. I notice that each time I expand/open up myself with someone else that is willing to listen to what we dedicate ourselves to at Desteni, there's like this 'part of me' that simply like 'comes back' at me - or I re-unite in a way with that, because now I've shared this understanding that is based in Common Sense and seeing the obvious, letting out all the paraphernalia we create of our lives according to being a certain 'culture', 'nation', 'tradition', 'values', 'opinions', 'legacy' etc etc etc - which they are quite aware of, as they have based their life upon that and living the 'intellectual life' while still desiring to get to a certain place in society that is wealthy enough to have a worry-less life. Much will change in due time. SO yeah, they were glad that I had explaiend them all of that and want me to write them on how things go while being there in SA. Lol, well, that we'll see - all I really care is that maybe something of what I talked about might change thieir practical views on this life and the system As them, not as some 'right-corporate-entity' that goes against them - or something like that.

Besides this been with family, facing my usual anxiety that isn't an energetic movement inside, but a need/desire/ that moves me, that directs me which is always like 'running' wanting everything to be done fast, accurately, without any complications, everything to be done and finished 'right now' - so I collide quite a lot with my mother, because she usually drives kind of slow and isn't such a precise driver - so I get upset by her ways while she makes fun of me getting upset because of wanting to get fast to places, to get everything done in a moment and have no 'loss of time' - which really is kind of silly when there's no such thing as loss of time anyways - This comes from my father and his general ways of existing, such a methodic system - getting pissed and easily irritated when things don't go his desired way. That I see within me as well - so what's the obvious? Realizing that this is a pattern that I am following according to programmed information within myself, it isn't who I really am- therefore, I am able to stop the cycles which then could turn into a neurosis problem or any other 'bad tempered' related activity. Fuck no, I stop this even though in the moment it seems like 'the usual thing' to be nagging and complaining because of trivial things like that.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to follow deliberate patterns of irritability/anger when things don't come out my desired way, within this merely accepting me to play out the information I've downloaded from my 'father' and playing out his usual ways of existing in complete stress and anxiety to get things done his way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spew my anger and irritability to another being - in this case my mother - because of my own anxiety and desire to get things done 'my way' without taking into consideration the starting point of such distress as an unecessary thing within my experience that only creates problems/conflicts due to my infatuation in thinking that 'I am right' within my desire to get to places as 'fast as possible' and as 'accurate as possible'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to see the obvious need for me to stop such verbal diarrhea that fed judgments towards my mother's way of driving, yet I continued in means of apparently making her be 'more effective' within her driving skills - the whole thing merely fucked it all even more.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that 'she's used to me being impatient' therefore I am able to rush her and judge her ways of driving in means of getting things done 'my way'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and exist as a control freak, wanting things to be done my way, the moment I say and if not, I get pissed off and impatient.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get angry whenever I get too many questions from my parents with regards to my trip

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to express and exists as frustration whenever they express their concern towards my 'safety' when I'm out in the city

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get angry at my mother for making fun of things that we experience whenever I am in a 'bad mood' because then I take it as her making fun of me and laughing at me which simply makes me even more angry or frustrated at something -

Yep, this comes from accepting and allowing myself to play out past roles of being used to my mother accepting all of my bullshit and anger and verbal diarrhea - just because I coud/can, just because I saw that I didn't get 'scolded' for that - so I merely continued - this comes from father when he loads his verbal diarrhea and talks and says stuff he doesn't even want to say, but he just spews it because he gets 'triggered' - that's my experience as well So I stop that, because it's completely unecessary, and there's no need to follow such patterns which create separation without realizing that I'm not offending her, but I'm offending myself first in dishonoring the moment of life, every time I lose my focus on breath and get into the mind to create excuses of how my 'attitude' is completely 'normal' and 'acceptable' - fuck no.

Ok. thanks.

Changing plans

May. 14th, 2009 at 11:48 PM

So I veered my usual 'set up' of getting home today - I decided to arrive at my aunt's house (who lives on the same street where my house is) and just stay here - well I actually just didn't want to get home because there were some people that my mother was kind of 'pushing' me to see, people from the past that say they are 'fond of me' but I'm not, it's just people that I was once near with when being 6 years old, not anymore yet, my mother wanted me to see them and specially this guy that was like my 'best friend' when we were 6,7 years old - we just played video games together, but he was 'in love with me' and I'm just tired of his mother repeating the same fucking old story of him asking his mother if we (him and I) could go to the movies together - alone - lol - which actually never happened because my mother kind of 'apropiately freaked out' - Well, I didn't know this story until I was about 9, but it was irritating how she always saw me as 'the one' for his son. Well it's not like they want any of that now, we're too 'different in mind' at the moment, but ... the fact that my mother suggested and asked me at what time I was arriving Because! they were going to be in the house just disgusted me from the point of her wanting me to be there for any fucking reason. And I'm just not accepting that, I wasn't going to go and place some smile in the face and pretending to be interested in their lives when I have nothing to talk about or say to them, at all.

So I arrived here at night and saw that their van was outside my house, so I just thought I'd be back later... went for a 'walk' although it was raining and kind of cold, and carrying my backpack as well... then went back and saw they were still there... it was getting even more cold so I just decided to ring the doorbell here at my aunt's house and just self- invite myself to stay here. They were kind enough, they just had some reunion so there was cool food and music, lol. Well this family - from my mother's sister - is the one I could say i have been more 'fond' of during my life, because they were more into the stuff I cared about: music, arts -well they both are historians, and the three of my cousins are biologists - and so I would always be comfortable around them, going to mexico city for book shopping spree, visiting around and back then I was quite close to Rocío, who is my cousin and she's one year older than I. In fact I had dreamed of her last week, and it was strange how almost the same situation as my dream happened (me sort of 'breaking some home rules' and walking out of the house at night, then just entering in my aunt's house (here) and being with my cousin, with whom I had broken the tight relationship we had, just when we suddenly had different interests. She used to know all about me and I would know all about her, I travelled with her to Canada 8 years ago all alone which was a cool experience... and concerts and many things we've lived together - but then at the moment she's living the usual student/youngster life, she's just out for a 'party' tonight and she's into that kind of social thing, but we just had a chat before she left on her trip to Cuba recently and ... well, lol, quite a journey it was for her to realize that submitting to other's will to direct the group ends up fucking the whole thing - her trip wasn't pleasant because of the people ("friends") she went with and placing herself as 'having to abide' with them, so she said that after all, it was a cool lesson to take into consideration later.

The point is that It was cool just deciding to crash here tonight, out of nowhere, and getting to talk with her and my aunt and uncle have always kind of considered that I was 'mistakenly' placed in another family, because they considered that I 'belonged' here, lol. Well, that was before... they are cool but very much still entertained by politics and history and nationalism and defending 'what's ours' - too mexicanish-intellectuals-kind of bohemians, etc. but I got cool experiences and trips with them - my mother was particularly jealous at times because of me enjoying being with them more than being with 'my own family' - but here at least I felt a 'little bit' more in 'place' - and this is of course due to my interests and self definitions back then. But yeah, I see that I am still able to communicate with Rocío and that there are no begrudges or anything 'weird' going on from the past at the moment - we do have a long story together that went from hate to love, to sum up: I didn't talk to her at all for 5 years, beginning when I was 5 years - even though we went to the same school and lived nearby, were cousins, shared friends and were about the same age - silly, but I had my point within it and it was because she wanted to be in control, she got jealous of me being the 'center of atraction' within the family and getting all the attention because 'that was my thing' - lol - and she would then try to put me down and belittle me with almost anything she could, even while playing she'd always be like 'the teacher' alwasy wanting to be 'more' than me, so that irritated me and I just didn't want to play with her anymore, she was kind of abusive, and she seemed to later on 'forget' about that or simply denied such things.... I got, as with other people in my life, to the point of crying not to see her anymore, I just didn't want to be friends with her - and so from that breaking point, let's say I 'brewed' myself separately.

That's when I began watching lots of Mtv and finding in music a beautiful resort to not feel alone and always feel excited on 'what's going to come next!' and opened up to having other friends, etc. We later on, after those 5 years reconciled and became very close again in our puberty, exploring and having fun in the usual 'girly' ways, that's when I tried to fit into being a normal girl, liking what girls liked and all that, which worked for a couple of years though, I recognize I did it to 'have friends' and 'be normal' - I had fun, but I mean, I pretended liking the usual "hot actors" at the time - teeny thing - that I didn't really find attractive, lol - yet that made me part of the group as having that kind of idols and likes and whatnot. Yeah, when all of tha fell apart I just accepted the fact that I wasn't going to find a friend that was 'like me' to share stuff like same music- so I stood alone for a while until I did find a friend/friends which was the point of 'opening up' my world and to the part of my life when I enjoyed, discoverd, fucked up and did all kinds of things just to see 'who the fuck am I, then?' - up until more than a year ago.

Two nights ago I had another dream i didn't write about here. This time had to do with my drug participation, something I hadn't quite explored beyond 'supporting violence and crime' within the actual buying of drugs and supporting drug dealers, etc. In the dream I was in quite a shitty city, kind of how I picture cities in the northern part of Mexico that are near the u.s. border- like literally crappy citty and I was with one of A's friend - who was kind of a particular character because I always saw him as being 'dishonest' but he was considered to be 'cool' by A - and I just knew that he came to visit A because he wanted drugs and a place to smoke peacefully away from his house. he was quite a troubled guy even though he had no 'bigger' worries within his life - and it had to be with being 'double faced' - so in the dream I was with him and he somehow tricked me to get in his van and just go somewhere with him - eventually I was with him just driving and waiting for some dealer to show up - he began tensing up because he wasn't there and so on and I felt like 'having been in the same situation before' - and that kind of situations happened in real life in my past, I never took into consideration the risk and the places I was into, even though everything seemed 'normal' and 'cool' all time. Eventually A was in the dream as well where I saw him just stealing a bottle of wine for fuck knows what in one restaurant, and we were walking through this shitty town where I saw an old old man naked just shitting in the street in the middle of the day,and the whole path to get to that 'restaurant' was filled with piss and shit and vomit and it was rather disgusting - In the dream I tried to stay neutral to it like 'ok, here's some shit, let's just keep walking' - but I did react at some point because the road was just like that - it was mostly right where I was walking upon... and the end of the dream came when I saw A stealing the bottle of wine underneath his t-shirt and then finally getting a bunch of nice food on the table at this restaurant - weird, then I just woke up, knew there was no point in keeping myself asleep in such place - faced the itneresting 'drug support' thing that I did exert few years ago - I fell into my own trap.

Another point of taking drugs was to 'prove' myself that I could do things that I knew were 'wrong' and 'prohibited' by 'the law' and my parents as well - the parentalaws -and to go breaking part of the pre-established morals I had with regards to this which I stepped on just to see and test my boundaries - I mean, that was cool, the whole point of abuse was where I lost my hands on the wheel and stop directing myself within it and allowed myself to be controlled and directed by other beings.

I got questioned today by one of my workshop mates about one thing I was wondering in the morning with regards to 'boyfriends' and how many I've had in my life, just because of having some etchings made by my supposedly first boyfriend - which lasted 5 being so for 5 days - and the eventual relationship after that and the non-relationship that ended up being just like one, etc. oh well - all the points just showing how I am still existing in separation towards certain people in my life just because they are part of 'my past' - within that still defining them within the role they played back then, which isn't who they are in any way either - to let go of that is to realize that they simply played a part into that 'network of people' I was meant to meet and find 'my place in the world' due to all these 'casualties' as people in my life that apparently gave some direction and contributed with stuff that would 'lead me' to 'my path-my life-my experience' and make it 'seem right' - How we end up so screwed up by buying the lie of it, by playing the part and the role, by affecting ourselves unnecesarily when taking things so seriously, when being actively participating in the thoughts that interpret situations, in the opinions and judgments that build up separation-

ok so that's another chunk of my programming out - thanks

May. 12th, 2009

9:59 PM

Seems I'm 'on a roll' being able to remember dreams. This time the scenario wasn't abnormal - it simply was me being at home and just deliberately 'breaking' the points that parents have placed towards myself, rules like not being able to get 'too late' at home at night alone, etc. In the dream I simply walked out the door at night and as I was walking through my street I saw that my cousin - one that is about my age - was in her garage and so was my ex-friend/neighbor that lives next to her. I 'went by' his house and directed me to my cousin's house - there I experienced myself almost like any other time, though she'd invited the ex-friend to come over to her house and spent some time there. So I eventually did face the guy and to my surprise he looked quite 'depleted' in a way, looking much older and it was as if I knew that he wanted to talk to me, but I just didn't - I felt completely 'over it' - so I decided to not give any attention or create any concern about the situation and so... next situation was the usual scenario where there's like a family reunion in my house and I'm sitting there as many other times I have compromised myself foolishly, not enjoying it at all. THough this time it was like the usual real-life but the situations were exaggerated where I saw one of my sisters being completely 'dressed up' like people in tv, wanting to look like some kind of 'top model' - then seeing the cousins I would kind of 'talk to' at family reunions because they are about my age, being talking about complete shallow bullshit - and 'mother' was next to me like pushing me to just stay 'for a little longer' - as she has always asked whenever I say I will leave the place. So, in the dream I got to the 'boiling point' of the whole situations, seeing it as utter madness, ridiculous, 'gone too far' so I just stood up and left by going upstairs without saying a word. Dream ended there and woke up.

This probably came from getting messages by my mother wanting to 'prove me' that I apparently 'missed a great fucking mother's day' reunion with the family, lol, like 'we had fun, you missed a hell of a celebration" and so she kind of got a bit vexed by me being sarcastic to her comment, because I couldn't just reply her with anything else, she fucking knows I'm not interseted at all in that shit - then the next day she sends a message to see 'how I am doing' and saying that they 'miss me already' wtf? lol, I've been away for a couple of days more and they say that? So with these I just see that she already fears losing me, losing control, power over me. And I even see It took me a long time to stand up to this point if I hadn't pracitcaly-physically stopped myself from 'pleasing her' last time family reunited when it was my grandfather's bday - yep have to thank N for pushing that, lol - then because of not being 'with her' during 'mother's fuckingday'. lol So silly, yet true. I don't care at all, can't give a fuck about it really -

Even a couple of months ago I would still be kind of careful to be 'pleasing them' by showing them the etchings I made at school even though I felt like a little child that goes up to their parents showing their drawings to prove that they've worked at school - just for the sake of probably wanting them to see that 'I did work' - so that they wouldn't feel that they were wasting their money on me within that career.

Oh well what a day today. I felt tired!!! this hadn't happened in such a long time, like actually struggling to get things done, to attend classes - I didn't do any home-work for school and I dragged myself out of the door to get there - I fell a bit asleep in art history and later on I just went to the workshop and spent some time simply breathing and laying there in the terrace, touching plants and keeping myself here in the physical. So I knew that I wasn't directing myself within this apparent tiredness, but it came as a result of the apathy I experienced towards the whole school scenario - probably because the semester is about to end and I've already worked 'enough' during these months for it, and then realizing how I have always kept myself going in means of maintaining a certain 'level' as 'who I am' within school - wanting to have everything done, presented, achieving the 'best' I can do at it, etc - and these 'rigid standards' I have placed myself towards myself.

I remember my mother specifically being worried about me when I was probably in 2nd grade elementary school, because I was utterly apprehensive towards school, I would get fucking nervous out of exams because I was very exigent within myself, wanting always to be right, to get the highest grade etc - she would say it didn't really matter, that all she wanted was that I remained calm and tranquil, because I was developing awful headaches and other shit out from such pressure (lol! at that early age!) - this eventually went slowing down through time, but not definitely. I mean being in this school has helped with that because I basically haven't done not even one written exam - I haven't had to 'study' that way - yet I still want to get everything done and 'do my best' because it's as if I want to 'imprint myself' within everything I do.

So today I fetl like 'drained' - I did attend classes and even worked a bit in workshop, but I experienced the day as being 'tiring' - and tried to blame the heat, but I know it isn't just that. Well I usually get this same way when I'm about to finish school-terms -

Well - going to sleep now

The Building - the delusion

May. 11th, 2009 at 8:25 PM

I had a dream tonight where I was inside a huge tall building that I had 'built' myself. I experienced an amazement with regards to seeing the solid structures and placing of the bricks that helped sustain such great height. I climbed stairs as I was going to the top. Suddenly a mate from the workshop was there and encouraging me to keep climbing up to the top because there was something going on within the whole situation: the 'building' was going to be demolished/destroyed. It was already surrounded and many men as soldiers or people from security government action teams were there, checking the whole building. As we were climbing up some were throwing hand grenades around us, yet they didn't detonate there. This mate wanted me to basically 'see' the whole building as 'my creation' right before it would be no more. The image I remember vividly is getting to the top and realizing it was indeed a very tall building and that the over lapping of the building's stories created within this space created in the middle of it around the stairs, an almost-infinite like look, almost fractal-like. And I was quite amazed of 'my building' - but I didn't experience any desire to keep it or resisting to 'lose it' as it was about to be destroyed. My mate encouraged me to 'jump off' through this space in order to 'free-fall' from the top to the ground. I did this, lol it's interesting how I didnt' hesitate much or was afraid or anything - and in the moment of actually knowing I was free-falling, I woke up.

I have been pondering around the actual 'building' of myself within my world, my current 'allocation point' within the matrix as being in art school and having spent there already 3 years working, 'paving my way' in means of just doing my thing in order to get some 'recognition' out of it within the same system. I noticed that the ego as myself resisted a bit on 'giving up' all of this at first because I have already 'gained' some recognition, position just because of placing effort and hard work and enthusiasm in what I have been doing this last school year, which is working in etching workshop. People were already praising my works and I was sort of being told that I will 'surely' get a 'promotion' to get to the 'advanced' workshop next year, etc. People were already 'grasping' what my work is about - which is directly linked to standing up and realizing ourselves as part of this world AS the world itself and taking responsibility of ourselves as creators...

All of that boiled at a point the other day because I saw myself as actually being quite 'recognized' and 'praised' and possibly 'taken into consideration' for further work within this - and what I mean is that my mind resisted for a moment to give this all up, but then quite quickly I should say, realized the implications of the ego within this. Wanting to preserve itself around a such 'hard working-self made' building as the Building of myself - my personality, my work, my art, people knowing me, people liking/praising what I do, becoming 'known' for my work - etc ah! not to mention the actual expectations I had created and others as well around these points as well. This has been the 'pattern' within my life, though this time it is certain that I am willing and ready to give it all up, this means, to destroy/demolish and dynamite this building even though it seems to be very 'tall and stable' - and I'm literally jumping off of it, because I know it's not real. It's a construct and all constructs will fall - who I really am isn't that building. I have created that building of myself through self definitions, ideas, beliefs, perceptions and yeah I can't deny it, actual working - yet I know this is just quite a test to keep me bound to 'myself as the idea of me', my 'role' within this - eventually leading to fulfilling my then initial desires within the art world as gaining a position, being recognized (which translates in 'gaining power within this particular sphere of society) and then, be able to influence others in what I deemed then as 'good means = spreading 'the truth' that I was so sure I would find on my way.

So to give this building of me up, means to be able to break the illusion of myself, of 'who I am' which wasn't ever real but only a script being played so delightfully by myself -

For some weeks now I have been feeling 'ready' to let go - this dream was like the 'playing out' of this - I was flabbergasted at what i had built - yet experienced minimal (almost non-existent) 'pain' to let go of it, of 'my precious' - lol, so that was cool.

It's such a 'stepping up' within me because one of the first experiences as reactions I got when encountering with Desteni Videos and material was to realize that: nothing of what I had been up unto this point, was real. That was the point that lead me through and eventual 'breakdown' where my world fell apart and literally experienced a huge 'pointlessness' and wanted to die because of seeing no purpose - lol - why? This was the ego resisting to realize the illusion of itself, that all that I had worked so hard to create - just like this tall, stable, huge building in the dreams - wasn't real, and was able to be torn apart in a second - just like in the dream I knew it was going to be demolished.

So the point is who I experience myself within this 'demolishing'. At the beginning of process I felt like dying, really, falling apart into pices, all was meaningless, useless, seemed 'too much' and wanted to give up - lol I experienced that for like 2 days in quite a 'heavy way' -then I managed to understand that this whining came of the mind itself and not me as who i really am. THEN I was able to begin the commitment to myself for the first time. That was it.

And now, after having worked within this for a year, the experience is changing. Embracing whatever comes in means of standing up.

See within the experience I have in my world I know and realize that we get tempted through such ways of 'gaining power/recognition' and abilities to actually make the world 'spin around us' - which in essence stems from the desire to be 'someone', to be 'like no other', to get 'up to a higher position' within our society/world - all self interest, all self-created, all self-deception and delusion that keeps us trapped as how we exist now.

There's no turning back - the only certainty is to stand up and do whatever it takes until this is done - we are here, we ain't going anywhere, we have to stop and face ourselves even if it's literally 'the last thing' we do on this Earth. Because we've already deluded ourselves ENOUGH within this process of building our 'oh so precious egos' our shit, our mind, our needs/wants/desires taking only 'me, me and me' into consideration.

I've been noticing a change in people around me. Some are definitely seeking ways to stand up within themselves and others are like deluding themselves even more than before, literally trapping themselves within their minds and ideas of self.

I was pondering yesterday that when an 'Idea' of self began, separation began. This is the extent of the delusion we live in by our own 'choice' - I see what people around my age are 'into' these days - parties, sex, drugs, alcohol, sex, drugs, parties, gossiping...- I wonder if they ever stop to think what the hell is it that they've become, what they are really talking about and what they are participating in.

I see the madness we're living in - and how people deliberately spite another, even in casual conversations while engaging in unnecessary statements that come from a great disconnection from themselves as here, literally spewing poison out - I hear how parents scold their children in means of wanting them to be static robots that do not disturb their life - why on earth do they fucking bring them anyways if they are going to be shouting and scolding and pulling their hairs out about them? I see how children copy parents paterns and within this, perpetuating the abuse of self as life - there is no fucking regard to the words spoken, there is no fucking consideration to those that they are talking about, there is no fucking consideration of themselves as Life. Probably when they realize that there's actually blood running through their veins it will already be in vain as they will have already depleted themselves and everything else around them. AND the fucking only truth within this is realizing : they are me as well.

So I just breathe when overhearing this conversations, comments, gossips - which is kind of inevitable when being working in a workshop - it also allows me to see 'where we're standing' currently - and nothing will change until there's no definitive stop to the fucking game we've all been playing and paticipating in. Fuck, even teachers participate in spiting and creating hate towards others based on media opinions - like with the swine flu and certain countries not allowing mexicans to get in, my teacher said that 'now we should do the same to them' - I mean, what on Earth will stop this? - yes, we already know and thats' why i say: viva la muerte

lol

Yes. Thanks for reading

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to place worth and value and meaning/purpose to the creation process as building myself within a certain personality, role and idea according to 'who I wanted to be' within my world in means of getting recognition, power and be able to live a comfortable cool life

I forgive myself that I never accepted and allowed myself to see the actual separation I created within the starting point of wanting my 'dreams to come true' - in spite of others, not taking anything else into consideration within this world AS ME, but only wanting to fulfill that which was 'my goal, my dream' and pursuing a lifestyle that would be 'pleasant and fulfilling' within the ideas, opinions, beliefs and apparent 'choices' of who i wanted to be within this world

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to take into consideration what people would 'think, perceive and say' about me with regards to 'who I am' and 'what I do' within my career, within 'what I do' because of being seeking to get recognition, fame and eventual power and fortune within my 'world' so I could be 'fulfilled' and consider myself as being 'successful' within THAT which I so dilligently followed -as the dream to be what I was becoming within my world

I forgive myself that i accepted and allowed myself to deep inside having wanted to get recognition and be praised from people that were 'supposedly above me' so I could 'show them' and 'prove them' that I could 'also make it' that I could also be 'courageous' and 'be sucessful' within that which I so dilligently followed as my 'carreer choice' within art world.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed such starting point towards that which I 'wanted to be' in means of achieving my goal/my purpose = my point of interest within this world which would support my self interest in means of having the life I would dream of having: traveling around the world, exhibiting art, earning lots of money, being recognized and eventually being able to influence others in means of a certain 'truth'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place worth and value and meaning to that which I have created as 'my work', my 'works of art' not realizing that within this I am utterly separating myself from everything else - created by me or not - therefore being just like a 'parent' that wants to have power and control over its creation, never taking into consideration being one and equal to 'the creation', but embracing it as one and equal as me as self expression - another expression of myself as all that is here - one and equal -

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever create and exist within a 'fondness' towards my self as 'who I am' as how I wanted to be perceived and therefore, being 'fulfilled' by seeing how I was achieving my goals within the actual living of my desires.

I forgive myself that i even accepted and allowed mysefl to think of it being 'tempting' to get such recognitions and begin 'having this fame' within my world becaue it would mean 'gainging power' and therefore, fulfilling my egotistic dreams and desires within the ideal of myself within this world - never real, created out of self interest - never considering myself as all. I stop all that as it is just what it is: an illusion anf fucking not worthy to live for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mysefl to 'take too long' meaning, myself as this whole existence, as the 11 cycles we've lived in this very same HERE as self deception in separation of one another - to realize that we have to begin Living Life in consideration of itself as All as me - one and equal - to end the cycles of self abuse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having conformed with the ways this world worked and functioned as, never questioning the starting point of it - such as money - and simply adopting it as 'the way things are' and within this submitting to the system that I always separated from me

I forgive myself that I as parents in this world have created clones of myself out of selfishness, out of not wanting to be alone, out of wanting to get a certain place/position of being 'stable' within the system as being 'a parent' - such an apparent way to 'live life fully'.

I forgive myself that I accepted adn allowed myself to follow the inner desire to 'be more than what I already am' in means of escalating social positions and getting to the place where ' I dreamed of being' without considering what my desires and dreams implied within not taking everything else as ME into consideration - meaning, existing in self interest and existing in separation.

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to 'feel grateful' and 'thankful' for getting what I wanted/desired and 'needed' to get to be and exist as what I wanted myself to be

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to justify the means to get to the place where I wanted to be.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to manipulate beings as my parents so that they would support my 'ideals' within my life to get to be what I wanted to be by making them persue their own self interest as having 'me' as their 'daughter' - therefore enhancing their 'proudness' if I did get to be someone of 'worth and value' according to society's rules and ways.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself for ever being 'proud' of having been able to achieve most of things I wanted to achieve, never taking into consideration how I actually manipulated others in means of getting that which I wanted - mostly parents in order to support me within my 'decisions'

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to feel grateful and thankful for being able to get things 'easily' for being able to get 'most of what I wanted myself to be' without a great amount of effort, never realizing or taking into consideration the fucking inequality I was supporting and accepting within this, never questioning why was it that it was so difficult for others to achieve their 'ideals/goals' in life

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed mysefl for having pitied human beings because of being so 'misfortunate' and for having to 'work too hard' to get what they wanted, whereas I would get a comfortable/easy life, getting money and unconditional support from my parents, never having to worry on survival and accepting this as 'the way things are', the way 'karma works', the way 'life is'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever consider that people deserved what they got as suffering/misfortune/failure due to their past lives and the 'mistakes' they've made.

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to live in a comfortable delusion of the world 'balancing itself out' in a 'fair' way - meaning, taking all the abuse and general disease within the world as an outflow of past-lives events people and beings were 'paying for' - within this I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think that 'justice' existed.

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to see 'free will' as a way to spite the system, to be and do whatever I wanted to be and do because 'It is my will and right to do so' - never taking into consideration the actual starting point within this beginning by accepting the limitations existent within this world as something 'natural' to it, rarely questioning it, never taking into consideration I could actually change and stop the participation within it myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall into my 'own trap' of wanting to see the world as how I wanted it to be -within this sticking and holding on to the 'good/positive' ideas, beliefs and perceptions I created of this world and people within it, wanting only to see the 'cool side' within beings, never realizing the fact that to accept someone/something is to accept it all as it IS - the good and the bad - no polarities - fully-facing what's here As me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of what I see within other human beings, ashamed because of realizing it is me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel angry to see what other beigns do and how they abuse life, because it is me being angry at me because of being abusing and destroying life by disregarding every breath here..

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as 'cold' when not getting any feeling or emotion attached to the idea of many people dying/having to die in order to cleanse and purify this world, instead being glad that this is already taking place within this world -

Within this I accept and embrace whatever I have to face - I have to remember these words and statements to realize that nothing within tis process comes out of the blue, that it is all specific and no matter what we have to 'endure' - we will have to endure it as much as Earth has endured our presence here, using and abusing.

I see that the spiteful ways we live in hae been merely acceptances and allowances that passed on from generation to generation and became the fucking used and abused phrase: 'that's just the way it is/that's the way it has to be' - within this submitting ourselves within an illusionary 'something' that is apparently more powerful and creates such rules to create the separation we live in. It's all one big mass of bullshit really - and there's nothing else I support but the destruction of the illusion we've built and lived and believed in, there's no other way - within this comes the embracing of whatever comes until death do us all a-part of the whole once again and come back to face what's left to face - until it is done - until there isn't any trace of our own shit behind, a trace of separation and disregard of life.

dead bird

May. 8th, 2009 at 10:08 PM

Yet another dead animal I encountered. This little dead bird I found on may 1st early in my morning walk when being in home city. At first I only took the pictures and kept on walking, eventually remembered the butterfly and knew I had to take him back on Earth, I wasn't going to leave him on the sidewalk like that - earth goes back to earth - so I did. Dug a small hole next to a tree and with a paper cup, I took him there. It is always odd carrying dead bodies - life isn't there per se, yet it is still life in a non-breathing way. It is made of the same stuff everything else is. ---- well, these are my 'near death experiences' with seeing little dead animals on my way.

I've been facing my own 'death' in a way with the whole 'swine flu' thing, stopping classes going back and forth because of this and basically confronting the actual events that are taking place within my life, which certainly require self direction - which I am doing -

It certainly is closing a period as I know many things will change - so within this I've been within a state of 'letting go', being letting go of things and environments which have defined me.

Within these weeks that I spent my time amongst 'my family' I've certainly realized that there's no actual 'bond' within and towards my family, there never was. I mostly pretended and I've been remembering all those 'happy birthday letters' and 'cards' I made or happy mother's whatnot and happy father's whatnot cards - they all were done and I bought gifts because of wanting to please them within that which they were expecting to get from me... because of seeing my sisters participating in that. It's silly really because even If they knew how I stood towards those consumerism days, I still gave them something - well I certainly can't remember what I did last year, not that it matters really. The point is seeing how I fucked myself with ever thinking that I 'loved' my mother or 'loved' my father - nope, I was mostly just thankful towards them for what they've done and still do so I can survive in this world. I never really had a 'loving mother-loving father' relationship, nor was I 'near' to them - I once was with my mother, but that stopped when I began having friends and spending most of the time out of my house.

So having been these days in my house - not having school - was quite a test, stopping the usual frustration and certainly speaking up when the dishonesty was obvious as me not standing being amongst people that are judging and living off criticizing other's lives. I've never felt 'in place' within my family, but it's all about not participating anymore - I have spent over a year trying to 'make them see' and that's useless, fucking useless if they aren't willing to see. So, as has been said: it is dishonest to try and change someone I was doing that one year ago probably with most people around me. THat doesn't work, I can only change the experience within me- within that, standing for all as one.

I haven't been complicating my life that much lately, mostly focusing in leaving things done in school and everything 'in place' so I may leave in peace + lol. Well yes, been fearing that mexico closes borders and frontiers and declares a quaratine so no one is able to leave the country

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to create and exist in a future projection as fear of not being able to leave the country due to a possible 'quarantine' if the virus gets more effective in killing people here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become fearful because of what mexicans have experienced in other countrie's airports due to the virus apparently having 'originated' here in mexico -

So here there are some hygyienic mesures that are being taken to reduce the risk of infection, though, fuck knows where this is going to get and certainly, with all the videos and Bernard's discussions - I've come to accept and realize the fact of the inevitable. Certainty of death is here, that's the only 'common place' that exists - let's take into consideration that everything is specific and that within this, one has to be wiling to do what is necessary for Life to do the clean up, for life to be born in the physical. Fuck, there isn't really anything else that 'matters' but that, self realization, live here as the physical. The rest is just bullshit really - and this is the only certainty within me: doing all I can to support within this process - there's nothing else. Events, situations and people have proven to me that it's just ridiculous to abide towards something that will certainly fade once we've stopped the lie we're currently living - and mutually supporting - within the system WE created and we've participated in so nicely, playing out the characters according to what we thought we were.

What I'm seeing is that there are certainly people standing up within themselves, even with apparently insignificant events, they are realizing more and more of what is it that's going on within themselves - and the world around.

A particular experience I had today was with this workshop mate. Lol yes well, she sat near me most of the times, we communicated at times but there wasn't anything really 'profound' within that. I had certainly noticed that she was playing out certain character due to her environment, her friends, her boyfriend etc. She once confessed that she saw me as being 'femenine' - yes, lol I did laugh - and that she didn't feel that femenine and she asked how old I was because she thought that she had to beging dressing a 'certain way' when getting to an older age - yes, crappy info people get within those 'girly magazines' - so in that moment I just cleared the bullshit and suggested she stopped even taking into consideration what that kind of publications have to say towards anyone - pointed out that one has to wear whatever the fuck we want as long as we're comfortable within that. People STILL place a certain amount of attention towards 'what you wear' - like I get these definitions towards 'what I wear' which I've certainly cleared within myself. Like some see me as 'femenine' just because I wear skirts - lol - and this is an outflow of my past starting point of using/wearing skirt, not anymore, though this is how I am able to see how people are so systematically created even when seeing a certain piece of clothing and placing definitions on to that - never even taking into consideration the actual comfort within it - anyways, I know these topics are rather shallow, but I'm sharing this as that simple suggestion I made few weeks ago lead to this other conversation today.

She opened up and said - without looking to me directly - that she had realized that 'security' is a the problem with her, like not being secure within herself. This merely confirmed what I had already observed within herself so I had a cool chat with her pointing out stuff that I've practiced within myself - specifically the 'diy flagging points' like placing the 'me' in the center of a page' and then taking out points to that which we've placed definitions on to directly linked to ourselves. Discussed some of my experiences - because she pointed out that she would also like to go somewhere else to travel and do some volunteer work, but she's 'afraid' of leaving her bf and stability - so I simply suggested that she took the opportunity to go and explore - if she's able to - because no one else will suggest her to do that, that she has to make the decision and direct herself. I shared how I had, in the past, placed myself as being unconditional to certain beings which actually stopped me from doing 'my own thing' and that I eventually regretted that a lot when seeing what I had actually allowed myself - yes mostly what I've shared in here the past year - and she seemed to be grasping everything, and to me is just cool being able to place myself as another human being - one and equal to her - and share experiences and push to become 'free' in terms of not being attached to anything or anyone from her world, so she can actually see who she really is beyond her little world, daring to go beyond the security of her environment and being alone within a different environment and different people - lol it's cool that once I had told her to breathe when she got quite hectic on stuff - and she just suggested someone to breathe because of --- i don't know what, lol - but that's cool! Talking with her with regards to my upcoming trip and what I'll be doing kind of pushed her to see that one is able to do something like that and face ourselves.

yes it's been quite a support being living alone here to disengage from myself as'who I am' within a family or certain friends, etc. It is the actual stability HERE, lol wow, I used to be living 'up' for somethign or someone else, placing my actual beingness outside of myself. That's what I shared with A, this girl from the workshop, that self confidence is being able to be and remain stable no matter with whom or where you are, you are always here - because anything that might 'disturb' such stability comes from thoughts as beliefs, ideas, perceptions, judgments, usually coming from the mind that interprets the situation, that assesses it all according to preprogrammed shit to keep us in FEAR of ourselves and others. Lol she eventually said: 'hey marlen, would you like to be my therapist?' lol i just laughed and simply said that she's able to talk with me whenever she wants. As simple as that.

I used to be 'mean' to girls like her that I saw as 'insecure' and then trying to be 'like me' lol, yeah that happend several times in my life and I would get so pissed off everytime, never actually understanding the point within it. I was never standing one and equal towards them, but in superiority therefore defending 'myself' as wanting to remain being the 'self confident' one, never taking them into consideration within THEIR experience. Though there certainly has to be an openness to discuss this things openly, and as I've said, some people are having this experience of 'opening up' within their experience and sharing it. I see that most will definitely hinder themselves and never actually share themselves in fear of what.. same shit: judgments, opinions, ideas or 'how they will THEN be perceived by that person with whom they are sharing their stuff with' - it takes self honesty in every moment meaning, not to judge no matter what the discussion is about, unconditionally hearing here as me. Then we're able to walk together. That's cool. This is one of the things I enjoy most and that I consider worth living for: sharing myself with others and being able to maybe plant a seed of awareness so they are able to water it and see what grows from that.

I insisted on facing ourselves no matter what, even if what we see within ourselves is something we don't like - then we self forgive - These kind of communication and encountering with beings really make me realize that there are still people that believe or 'fall' in the usual and common place-traps for example - belonging to a certain group of friends or people based on what you wear and shit like that.

One thing is certain: I wouldn't have been able to share what I shared and speak what I spoke If I hadn't lived through similar shit myself, it comes from the actual living application of what I shared, and that's what she ended up saying : now I have to place that in practice.

Last saturday a dog followed me as i was on my way downtown, he followed me for like 15 blocks! lol I went speaking with him, he was hungry and thirsty, was quite hot so I told him I would take him somewhere he could have some water, and I decided I would buy him a meat taco to eat. Lol was so weird him following me, crossing the streets and all behind me... I've never had such an experience before. Took him to a park where he drank from some rain puddles, and then took him to where I bought the meat taco and she gladly devoured it. Then I though 'oh well now that he's gotten food, he'll just walk away' but nope, he kept following me for some more blocks until I went through crowded places and eventually, he got a bit confused with so many people and we 'lost' each other.

Anyways, that was one of the cool experiences I had last week -

I hadn't written because I had been facing my own 'fear of death' and assessing my own shit towards that and the virus around, I know fear is shit and there's no point in sharing 'oh I fear getting the virus' so... yep.

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to place myself in a 'superior place' comparing myself towards other people that I deemed as being 'insecure' because of considering that they 'wanted to be like me' because they saw myself as being 'self confident' - not realizing that this was all my perception of the situation, never even knowing if this was so or not

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to separate myself and exist within selfishness because of not considering those people that experienced themselves as 'insecure' and standing one and equal as them and communicate about it, and instead go into rejection towards them because of them attempting to 'be like me' in certain ways.

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to feel so vexed within anyone trying to 'be like me' because I felt that my 'originality' and my 'uniqueness' was threatened within that, never consdiering the actual starting point within such beings to try and gain self confidence from 'being like another one' - which wouldn't be the 'answer' anyways yet, I never took this into consideration and instead , spited them in means of 'remaining myself and only myself as 'who I am' within the character I so specificaly shaped and created to 'be' like a courageous and strong woman.

I forgive myself that I never took into consideration placing mysel fin the shoes of people that felt insecure within themselves therefore, taking someone else as a some kind of 'role model' as a desired experience within self to be 'apparently 'as 'self confident' as someone else based on how and what a 'self confident' person seems to be like.

Again, I wouldn't consider myself self confident, because I used that image and character in order to hide my own insecurities as well. Just another polarity point, not real, was a huge mask I developed up until few years ago. And this even today lead me to see how I'm standing within this. Definitely a shift in taking such being into consideration AS myself, as my experience and being able to stand up along with her with a simple chat.

That's about it.

enjoy breathing here as we are. Thanks

Whole series at: http://www.milklatte.blogspot.com

frost rational

Apr. 30th, 2009 at 11:29 PM

Spent the day at home and began a painting for my sister's house as we had agreed when she gave me some money for my ticket to SA. I got quite frustrated about it because she wanted something specific -not something that I did out of my expression - and I really didn't want to keep painting - lol yeah pain-thing and it did cause fucking reactions and I went back into the point of 'what the fuck, I got into some school to do this and I'm not even able to do this as 'job'" - so there you go, fell into my own crap and thinking - oh well I'm not even able to get this done properly, and: it's a painting. Then realized what kind of lame situation I was creating for myself where I even cried as things are kind of 'compounding' around here.

There's this fucking pandemia threat all over - most of the people are in their homes as if it was 'vacation' minus the fun part. The economical situation is getting a bit tight because, if industries and companies close - there's eventually a stop in the money flow and my father's business of course gets directly affected - and there's already some concern about that. And other situations with regards to analyzing how much my father spends on me being studying in mexico city and seeing all the comfort I got there and being alone - because of not wanting to have a roomate again, etc - and then there's this big question mark with regards to this virus and basically fearing not being able to get out of the country - and other shit going on. Money is quite an issue, feeling completely powerless because of not having any money that is completely mine and therefore, not being able to support myself by myself. And then I have to be here and I've become so used to having my own place to be at peace and quiet and alone - and being in the same house with my family for a week has been quite a ride at times - although it's not about them really, it never is - is all about myself and mostly because of being so used to being alone now. Fuck, that is definitely going to change in some time. Well I leave in one month here and there's nothing to do but see what happens with this virus going on and 'hope' that there's no problem in making it there.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel so powerless and worried about money at this moment because of seeing how the whole world is walking through an inevitable collapse

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to 'collapse' today as feeling locked in, powerless and frustrated for not being able to pull things out accurately.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and exist within fears with regards to me being able to leave this country in one month time without any delays or problems.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be existing in a fear of a future moment that isn't here as I breath, not realizing that I cannot do anything about it but stopping the worry, concern and anguish that is being fed by the media as events develope here. I embrace whatever the outcome is -

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire being more wealthy so I could support Desteni unconditionally - fuck it's fucked how it all fucking boils down to fucking money

(yeah like a saying here: with money even the monkey dances)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel so frustrated as considering myself uncapable of painting something that isn't coming out of myself as an expression but it's a recreation of something specific that is being required to be done - within this limiting myself and existing in certain mindset of 'what I am able to do/ what I'm not able to do) instead of seeing that it is part of my 'job' at the moment to do this.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel so silly when being crying over things compounding this morning, feeling 'empty' not realizing that there's nothing to be empty of.

It is fucking strange to observe mysef because even as I am aware of the origin of such worries and concerns and preoccupations, they still affect me in a way and I got in quite a frustrated/bad mood while trying to paint these leafs the exact way my sister wants them. felt so uncapable of doing it, although I knew I was limiting myself I was still whinning about it. Then judging myself for being worrying about such a petty fucking thing - and how we tend to follow this because 'it is what is happening to you - this is the actual moments when I know I'm not standing and I remain stuck and get into justifications of simply 'not being in the mood' which is of course, identifying me with a 'certain time' where apparently I am then able to get everything done accurately and nicely and whatnot - all mindfucks, yes.

So I flee from myself today - painting because i wasn't breath-painting expressing myself - instead I was very fucking focused on the eventual outcome of it 'working' within my sister's desired outcome, then water color painting for some 'homework' from school, then watching old music videos from my tape collection - which is merely participating in past nostalgia - and checking some of the old shit I've got in drawers and boxes, getting rid of useless stuff.... everone's beginning to feel quite trapped within their houses and they're getting bored. I don't get bored, that doesn't happen but I tend to feel that 'I always have to be doing something 'of worth' - and I rarely allow myself to slack around - so today I kind of did that, slacked around - even slept after lunch and well.... but eventually end up feeling quite hollow and shallow as having done nothing of support here - or so it seems though I face myself with that which I 'think' I don't get - like frustration when not being able to do things as I would 'like' them to be, the painting was the example - yet it's all so meaningless, nothing of the human matters matter - only Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as energy and feeling 'down ' as thinking that I need more rest or time-sleep or anything else in order to feel '100% here' and not feeling tired or sleepy or weak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I always have to do something 'of value or worth' in order to consider taht I've 'done' something during the day - therefore placing me within certain values and worth according to what I do and what I don't do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be affected within my stability here by the way everyone else is feeling with regards to the swine flu and how it is spreading around, instead of remaining in breath in every moment, not participating within that and feeling discouraged and powerless to do anything about it - there's nothing to do but to not participate in fear. That's about it.

My own creation

Apr. 28th, 2009 at 11:20 PM

Through this process of Self Honesty and realizing myself in moments of seeing the actual deception I've accepted and allowed myself to become as a belief, a construct, an idea as 'personality' etc. I've seen how I created and manifested those events in my life that 'helped' in the process of becoming 'me'. Just as those 'chances' and 'coincidences' of meeting people unexpectedly that later on, played some role in your life - either I adopted some of their thinking structures or likes or beliefs - all in all I've realized MY creation as Myself as my personality. Taken all that I liked and admired from others and merged it altogether in a mix I called 'myself', my personality, 'my specialness' lol 'my precious'. Yeah and we all did that, wanting to be special, wanting to have this 'unique purpose', wanting to 'not fit into categories' never realizing the obvious within this - everyone wants to be special, everyone indeed wants their 15 minutes of fame and everyone in the end gets fucked up by the nature of the System we've created in itself. I mean, really, are we so deaf and blind to see why there were always this 'ups and downs' within our experiences, why when 'everything was going so well' suddenly there's this huge 'bump on the road' that makes everything go downwards just so we now have to place more effort and worry and concern (read Energy here) to get us 'back on track' as the apparent stability we think we are meant to live - yet deliberately participating in polarity manifestations/structurs/definitions.

THis is how important it is to live the words - some words will fade as they will not be of any service anymore, as they served 'the old ways' from the time patterns were copied and followed. WE are the transition and if we are standing up to the System, we begin within the simplicity of speaking, communicating and applying ourselves. Yes indeed, this system was so 'intricate' and so specifically placed/infused that it would've almost been impossible for anyone to see the obvious going on, because when we are busy trying to survive in always - meaning from simple processes like 'being accepted in society', 'getting on the 'right' path' - to basic survival activities as working, getting food, etc. within an individualized buble, we cannot see beyond our nose and therefore, we deliberately chose to forget about 'the other one' there somewhere in this Earth having no food to eat, or getting raped while I am here just peacefully writting in front of my pc. Stuff like that -

It seems quite hilarious to me that there is people resisting so much to give up their programs, lol! resisting to give up their ms-dos because 'oh they took so long programming themselves' - fuck that! I know this first hand because after two days of seeing Desteni videos for the first time I immediately went through a breakdown of 'what the hell am I supposed to be now?!!" because of existing within this pattern/idea of 'having this major purpose in life' just like a system a program - specific tasks to be accomplished, 'oh no! how could I ONLY be that? breathing only??" - this is the extent to which I had disregarded life within myself. I mean I would 'become aware' of the breath while trying to mindfuck myself while 'meditating' and whenever I wanted to calm myself down - but beyond that, the consideration of being the breath of life was overlooked.

Why people resist to seeing what Oneness and Equality really means when practically applied and lived? Because it entails giving up themselves, who they are, their 'triumphs' and 'demises', their 'oh so precious life experience' - refusing to see the fact that it all was a big play out where each designed the character to play, the role to play. THis, though, was quite obvious within me when seeing people. I could determine 'what they're like' according to certain patterns that would show immediately - this is how programs are predictable - life isn't. But my own acceptance was getting into the social game of designing me a personality, oh yeah, I did spend time on that until I considered that I had 'tasted enough' and merely kept certain 'attributes' from these personality exploration I did and then adapted and adopted them into the configuration of what I am at the moment as a personality - slowly but surely - currently peeling the layers to see the truth behind the costume, the masks, the cover ups, the fake.

Any and all resistance to give myself up that existed quite strongly in the past is vanishing- this has been sort of my experience for at least the last week or so - a letting go - and even testing myself with confronting myself with that which mattered at some point to me, towards that which I had strings attached as 'part of who i am' - oh yes I got to be very aware of myself saying 'ok I think I'm now 'done' - being aware of me being the architect of my own personality, of creating myself and finding this to be 'the most normal process on Earth' - never never taking into consideration the actual 'reality' of what i was doing - or the consequences of it -

Of course, I'm working with disengaging myself from the fears I thought myself to be with regards to my own self, my own physical body, and my own mind - facing that which I deem as 'fucking ridiculous' existing within me - and forgiving the points because then It's me stepping forth, I have to be actually grateful that I am able to see the deception in the moment and not mindfuck myself in participating in it like I used before.

Such a huge change!

I got a call from the ex-boyfriend. he was concerned about me asking if I was still in mexico city, etc. While talking to him I stopped all resistance to talk with him, had no inner movement of energy in any way and that was cool. Made clear that I'm alright and that he shouldn't worry - of course he's quite stuck within memories and 'who I was' for him within his 'life'. I mean, I have seen in self honesty so much shit from that relationship that I had deemed as 'great and profound' in the past' now, that the specialness of it -and him eventaully - just vanished, disappeared and therefore, what remains is him just another being -

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to follow 'society's rules' in means of creating and developing a personality for myself just because 'everyone else did' therefore, following others instead of seeing what I was busy doing - creating a character out of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe myself to be 'one conscious being' in the past without realizing that this simple consideration was part of a program as well, because I wasn't living the words as i was merely playing out a character that I am still dissolving within me.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to find it 'normal' to shift characters and personalities and defining it as 'human nature' without realizing that each personality/character had a specific task and placement within this world according to that which I wanted to be and become - therefore participating in the process of individualization of ourselves within limited perceptions as personality, as a 'who I am' and 'what I want to be' - never seeing the actual process of enslaving myself to an idea, an opinion a structure of beliefs and thoughts as 'myself' I was creating.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny the simplicity of who I really am in means of pondering and praising 'my creation' as my personality, as my ego - yet preaching that I was 'against' people who did this very same thing as praising themselves and being proud of their personality.

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to define me as being 'part of the difference' in my life while defining and identifying myself with people that I deemed as 'uncommon' and 'unusual' to that which was mostly around in society, without realizing that we as self defined and self created 'uncommon' and 'unusual beings' were part of the system as another design, the 'anti design' that is still a design - never realizing this because of not considering what Life really IS.

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to desire being like any other being because of the character and role they were playing in the society play. Never realizing the obvious separation created in means of defending and being accountable within beliefs, ideas, perceptions, prejudices and all mental processes that weren't real at all.

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to fear being 'one and equal' because it meant losing all that which I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become as the idea of 'an artist'. - not limiting myself here anymore!

Ok, so ...cool - working on translations and walking, breathing, feeling the wind go by that's amazing, simplicity is just coolness.

Thanks.

on the experience around here - nature standing up

Apr. 28th, 2009 at 11:04 AM

So I'm Here - haven't written in days I know but I've been busy doing things that needs to get arranged. I actually stood until sunday in mexico city, going out of my apartment just to get food and the necessary stuff. The threat of the pig flu virus went up and up and school got suspended until may 6th, so I definitely decided to go back to homecity and stay here during this period of time. It was cool staying there though, I got to fix many things in my apartment, clean things that I had been procrastinating on doing like cleaning the studio room's floor - yes lots of paint blotches on it and it was also a trip back to my past while seeing the stuff I used to make and the stuff I kept for supposed 'future works' involving trash mainly, lol. I'm getting rid of it all.

It was quite interesting going out of the apartment and leaving to come here to homecity because I got to see what was really going on with this virus threat. Streets were mostly empty- a trip I would usually make in about 50 minutes was done in about 25, 30 - there was no one in the subway, and everyone at the busstation was wearing these surgical masks. I got handed two of them for free in order to step into the bus, so i did wear that. Getting here was quite another atmosphere - not so much fear - and people were even together in fair-like places having fun. So I stood at home fixing things as well, cleaning, getting rid of shit - I've been doing this for few weeks now, lots of flashbacks come when doing this.

For example I found these letters and pictures of my old 'best friend' and seeing myself being 'so happy' with him was kind of cool but at the same time realizing the nature of such friendship and the other side of it -which clearly wasn't part of any of those 'nice' pictures - and remembered how much I also endured while being with him, while considering ourselves as 'soulmates' - and yes applied some self forgiveness on a bit of nostalgia that came up with seeing that, lol I looked so different, I was a goth-like punky rocky girl lol. I have already discussed here in this blog what I went through with this friend 'L' and yes, it's cool that there are no hurt feelings or begrudge towards that. It just happened, part of my past and I just boxed it.

I realize all the stuff I have and how I've built myself around that stuff - some stuff I do consider it was completely unnecessary to get/buy/have so I'm realizing what I did in means of following my imposed patterns of buying and keeping and collecting shit. Like I have these bunch of music magazines that I used to buy so religiously, or cd's ...

Anyways getting to the real core and essence of my experience coming back here. Fiirst of all is being and staying with family for a whole week and yes, they still talk over and over the same shit - and I'm here merely bringing some common sense points with regards to the whole virus thing within the country and death and making them aware of this situation as part of the whole process we're currently living in. Not to live in fear, not to fear, but simply realize what the virus is actually saying and doing and acting upon - which goes along with process of self honesty -

People are buying food and meds out of fear, out of panic - I saw that myself when I went to the supermarket with my mother and everyone was just carrying loads of milk, canned food, cereal and whatnot. Fear creates fear - and people when seeing that the supermarket's parking lot was packed, they began entering by the exit and so a bit of a chaos was beginning to be created by people of course.
AND I didn't feel the earthquake here, lol - I was downtown at some government dependency getting some papers at that time - better that way as usually it's quite a risk to be downtown because of all the old buildings around when an earthquake takes place.

So this is kind of an update - will see what develops, I'm ok, breathing, breathing through a surgical mask when being outside which ertainly brings you literally back to being aware of teh breath. If people stop going to work these days and everything else is closed, we/they will be forced to look back within ourselves and reflect upon our lives, life itself... should be a cool stop then.

In the meantime, I won't go to school supposedly until may 6th - and yes we'll see. I'll breathe through being here with my family, facing myself, supporting with what I can at the moment.

Thank you

No school - virus threat

Apr. 24th, 2009 at 11:55 PM

Last night got a message from my mother saying that she'd seen on tv that there would be no classes in any of the schools here in mexico city - including the University - so... today I decided to go check myself and yeah, no classes. It was interesting going out and seeing everywhere around as if it was a sunday morning - not a friday one which is usually packed with heavy traffic etc. - and so I came back and turned on the radio and they were talking about this influenza epidemic on each radio station, lol and they repeated 'it's important not to fall in panic' and they were the ones moslty creating it - anyways. It's a drag not having school as I have stuff to work on in the workshop though, I had time to translate some more videos. Yep basically translating most of the day - lol well I made some food and it tasted really good - decided not to participate on any of the collective fear going on around here and I decided to stay here as going back to hometown would've been quite a drag with this whole situation and people fearing each other from sneezing.

This is proof that without Tv I am not aware of the collective fear that's been pushed into people - of course yeah I have to 'take precautions' maybe but it's all about ourselves in every moment really - we know viruses and these kind of epidemics are specific, so it is all part of the process here and yeah there's been like 20 dead already - or so I read - and some guy already asked in the Desteni Español channel if I know something about it, so I translated some video on diseases and bacteria and shared with him the perspective on it all being specific. School's not opening tomorrow either and fuck knows if it will continue closed on monday or what - so yes, I'll be here in my bunker-home - and that's all folks.

Life essence, Life presence Here

Apr. 22nd, 2009 at 7:13 PM

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the word 'presence' and define and limit it by associating it with a 'ghost' or an entity, a "dead being's" energy that is separate from me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the presence of LIFE here as ALL within it all as myself as that which allows me to express myself as life here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from being aware of this presence of Life essence within myself and within all by being in the mind and forgetting about breathing myself in and out - one and equal - flowing

I forgive myself that I have ever accepted and allowed myself to feel alone without considering being filled of myself as Me as Life as who I really am in every moment of Breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the ever moving, constant and ever flowing life essence all around me, in all the pictures I see, in all that I touch and taste and smell - it is me and I embrace myself here, I see and am aware of myself as life essence, life presence here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from everything I touch and see while thinking them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the life essence I am while trying to understand and analyze it

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to question me being alive without seeing the obvious as being breathing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever disregard the breath of life in means of pondering feelings, emotions and thoughts that kept me out of HERE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach myself to a defined place, an environment and 'making it my own' not realizing that within this I am implying a desire to posses, to dominate and this is not who I am. I am all therefore there's nothing to 'own' but only to live and express as me - one and equal .-

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a 'bigger' awareness of this when there's visual phenomena, instead of being aware of this in every single moment as being whole within myself, hollow within the breath yet filled as being the expression of life in simplicity - living self honestly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only wait till my body creates an attention within me as tickles, bumps, twitches or any other muscle movement to bring me back here - instead of being aware here, as breath in every single moment.

I embrace the presence of Life as Who I am HERE in every moment of breath , I do not accept and allow myself to separate myself from this Life Presence Essence we are as one and equal.

thank you

common fears

Apr. 21st, 2009 at 11:49 PM

In one of my classes where we discussed the current system we're living in and how we as 'artists' exist within it and what we are able to do, I realized why we are in the position we are right now. Everyone fears to get out of the safety of the system, it's about the mentality of 'oh I know it's fucked up, but at LEAST I got my stuff, what I want and that makes me 'happy' - I see that there's some that get the idea about what needs to be done but I see no one really talking about standing up individually and that is the point, that is the breaking point where all cookies crumble because see, no one is really willing to give up on themselves, on the idea, belief and perception of themselves.

This time I listened to their perspectives and usually when we discuss these kind of topics, it always ends up without any practical, real conclusion - just like any other fucking knowledge and information round up leading no-where. I do kind of see that our teacher -the one replacing the dead teacher- kinda 'got' what i explained last week because she was talking now on seeing our participation within this individually and beginning from our own perspective - kind of getting it but, fear is still roaming the heads of every one because that very point of fear is the one that directs everyone to submit, to not dare and stand up - and it's all within the very same system we support! who is doing this to ourselves - no one but ourselves - yet people deviate too much on media and politics and stuff that is merely use to divert even more the realization of: I am here, therefore I direct myself.

Fascinating how some kept saying that it is VERY difficult to get out of who you are - and I shared some points of view on that and when I said 'common sense' as a reply to teacher saying something about directing ourselves as individuals, etc - just to reassure the fact that yes it is about direction but in common sense. And some guy mumbled some words like 'common sense is shit' something like that and I did have a reaction like 'oh fucking fucker' well he's the typical kind of system that nags and bitches about everything, yet overhearing his conversations with another someone, he spoke merely shit - so Ok - confronting the kind of people that isn't willing to first stop their heads from judging and labeling everything that is said and done in means of placing themselves as 'superior' as 'all knowing' - and it's like the general law around, grounding too much to history, to concepts, to all those 'oh great ones' that have gone before us placing such knowledge and info traps to keep us mindfucking ourselves without seeing the OBVIOUS as being alive, directing ourselves here - end of discussion. BUt oh no, it all ends up with such feelings of despair of being into a shitty system, finding no way out therefore, becoming even more and more alienated.

Conversations go from polarities as points of view, everyone wants to make a statement of what's important and of value to THEM without ever considering a one and equal starting point on that. That is basically it, it seems too 'outrageous' for them to see that all is one/the same/made of the same and therefore merely paving the way for separation to reign here.

Ok these Bernard's words would've fit the situation perfectly - yet we know how us humans like secrets and mithologies and misteries and the whole hocus pocus around the mere existence of life, wanting to make it as 'something more profound', something else apparently than what we are. Oh great surprise when realizing that this 'bag of bones' everyone is, is what and who we are in the moent - no soul, no higher shit, no nothing - and that is all we got apparently - yet we tend to disregard the breath of life as existence here as ME as myself. And so I can't imagine what will happen the moment we all find out what we've accepted and allowed to exist while being in separation from ourselves.
I see that all people talking shit about others will then realize the self disgust and rejection they owned that lead them to speak in such ways of another, completely disregarding the other as themselves - and it won't be pretty but fucking necessary of course. And I couldn't agree more -

Everyone ponders their memory, their personality, their likes and dislikes, their oh so precious identity - that is the very starting point of self interest - not giving a fuck about another - and is also the curent way we are creating our world.

here's B's words : http://desteni.co.za/forum/viewtopic.php?p=80084
___________________________________________________________________________________________-
Information is always temporary

Knowledge is always useless

and fear indicate trust in knowledge and information

that which is temporary and useless are the building blocks of that which is temporary and useless

thus-- this equalize all to one point -- there is no answer

only I remain

and if I is not here -- but knowledge and information is -- I am truly fucked

til I am not I am

then I remain

eventually I get it

I remain

and all I's is me from the perspective that I will end up in the lives as the lives of the other I's --till all I's get this and stop creating as knowledge and information an existence where all is separate individuals and unequal in all ways

then

I see

I see me -- here

and where ever I find myself -- I see me -- Here

and when I trust me every where as Here

I see everywhere is Here , because I see me Here

then I realize

I create here and everywhere through time

thus

If I do not stop the Way I create me

I will alWAYs be what I have become

only I decide

only I --the responsible

only I - the consequence

Note

all support that may be given has been given

thus

2 points remain

I stop me and all as me

or death do

and I return to time again to face me as me

thus continue as I create Time

in this I see Me alone --yet --all me's are Here in other Times I will visit if I will it

thus

stop

or

be stopped

that is what remain

and when I stop

I stop all in all ways

and thus

we are all here -- stopped

by ourselves

then we as I see -- yet we will see

still individuals

yet not who we are now

as who we are now -- is not here

as everywhere

is here

and that

we are not yet

Apr. 20th, 2009

10:52 PM

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to persuade people to be self honest, to stop judgments towards others not realizing that there is people that isn't willing to do so

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speak of stopping judgments and realizing equality between beings with someone who is declaring himself as 'never going to convert' to realizing self honesty and stopping separation between beings

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge this being that I barely know now from the point of him declaring that he's not interested in changing his ways of living as judging others for judging himself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and exist in a prejudice towards someone that is declaring their decision to remain as they are, with no intention to change the ways that they are clearly seeing affect themselves

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge as obnoxious someone that isn't willing to change, to stand one and equal to all beings, placing aside the nature of being and pondering their ego.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to now form a 'bad opinion' of this being because of his opinions on his lifestyle.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to almost feel offended when he tried to call me a 'converter' like preaching a kind of change without realizing that he was merely sharing his experience and wasn't asking for an advice or a suggestion on how he can change his experience.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to stop before I speak, but instead rushing answers trying to make others see what I see - not accepting the fact that there are beings that aren't willing to stop and change and see in common sense what's best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to preach without realizing it, because it has become the only thing I can talk about or speak and communicate with another being when 'I get a chance to' - instead of living self honesty as Me HERE instead of speaking about it.

Be the breath of life, stop talking when it's not necessary otherwise we're going to be looping around the same until I learn to stop, be in the breath, be silence and share only when asked.

Yep, so you never know when or where or with whom you will face yourself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still be shocked by the idiosyncrasy of certain people and the ways they 'direct' their lives in complete separation, not regarding anything else but themselves as their ego/persona they think they are.

Yes this also extends to some being in youtube babbling shit on what oneness is - completely unbelievable. Such a Rant indeed.

On the other hand, it is very cool seeing people standing up, sharing themselves and opening up within topics that were usually a 'taboo' and now, they are changing this by taking it as what it is, part of human experience. It's also cool seeing that some latin americans are opening up to listen Desteni's message through the videos, that is very cool.

Cloudy, rainy and a bit cold here today, actually placed me in a cool mood - off the heat for a while -

working on communication with beings, not feeling 'stuck' with words and finding them to communicate myself...

I stop the desire to communicate self honesty and pushing people to become self hoenst. I can only push and work and live self honesty as myself first, stop my mind on wants, needs and desires and from there - I expand as one and equal

Thank you

On sister, more on family - resentment, begrudge, etc.

Apr. 19th, 2009 at 12:53 PM

Dealing with one of my sisters specifically has been the point today ok. I am basically existing in frustration because of my computer not working well and not being able to upload videos... fuck and yes it's becoming slower but I simply don't want to restart it as there's so much shit I have here and it would take long to back up everything. SO I asked her if I could use her pc and after a while she came ranting and just bitching about me being such a mess and 'unclean' and not caring about stuff that isn't mine etc. And this was the kind of rants I would usually get while growing up, and I had forgotten/suppressed that. All the time the eternal problem of me being 'such a mess' and listening to my mother or any of my sisters nag on me because of not tiding up my room was almost every day's bread. I'm in quite some pain in my chest at this very moment probably because of this - I hadn't really excavated about my relationship with my oldest sister.

She would always blame me for everything I did or didn't do, and this extended to other family members like if there was anything wrong around, misplaced, or broken, 'oh it surely was Marlen' and they would always lay the blame on me, most of the times. And sometimes yes, I had done something which interrupted their scheme of things but some other times they simply supposed I was the one responsible for it and... it's fucked up having lived with that constant nagging and listening to those 'exalted requests' by my mother or sisters do do things. Communication goes around with a pinch of exaltation most of the times around here, like yelling - I am getting tired of this but it's been 'the way things are' around here. Like a subtle kind of constant violence. And this is mostly played out by my oldest sister - I just had a moment with her where she was merely complaining about anything that could came up to her mind on things I do or things I don't do - yes, I see she's merely exerting her anger towards myself but in the past she would really offend me and yes back then I would do feel like shit and even more rejected within my family - obviously this was my own acceptance and allowance, to place importance and value to what my sister had to say even though I knew she was speaking out of her own frustrations and anger towards herself. And I have been judging her a lot just by observing the way she is leading her life at the moment and how she treats his future husband and how he allows himself to be treated - complete fuckedupness. Yes she's the one that has a very tough temperament and lots of complexes to deal with, but somehow she has always managed to lay it all out on anyone that would be just there 'on her way'

Yes at the moment I can only remember her having made me cry probably several times because of her offending and she's like my father as well within that They would offend and bitch at you and after a couple of hours they would be like tinkerbell once again, this coming from them speaking without awareness.
My father has also offended me terribly but from an early age I kind of understood this same process of him just laying out his frustrations on to someone, he loves to blame others for what goes on around within him - they both wanted to blame 'you' for what they are experiencing - and

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever take any offense and scold and nagging from another as personal, allowing the words to affect myself and feel like scum, that I wasn't really accepted here.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever get offended and hurt by words coming out of someone that is merely exerting their anger and frustrations out on someone that is merely there, on their way

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having developed this begrudge towards my sister for having told me the worst things possible out of 'nothing' and allowing me to take those words seriously, affecting the 'who I am' as a family member, as being related to her by a simple family construct.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever be offended and hurt by my father's anger and frustration and scold directed towards myself that lead me eventually to yell at him and cry and feel misunderstood within my house.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to allow myself to react in such anger and creation of begrudge towards him because of his explosive behaviour at times, instead of realizing that it wasn't about me, but about himself and the moment he was experiencing within himself which lead him to exert his anger towards me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever feel attacked by anyone's words when they have no foundation of 'being' as merely being an outlet for their own anger and frustration on to myself.

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to then hinder myself and place myself as a victim which is merely accepting that I am being able to be affected by anyone's words towards myself when spoken without awareness

I forgive myself as my father and sister for having yelled at me because of not being here in awareness when exerting anger as words directed to another, but merely existing in the mind and using words as an outlet to their own experience on someone that is there.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to ever think that what they said they really 'meant' and therefore, taking words too seriously and developing a detachment a separation towards my family members because of considering that I created them an experience of discomfort within their lives.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to - within this - lower my self esteem and seeking 'someone to understand me' outside of my family, merely involving in relationships that supported me to flee from myself and not face what I was experiencing and developing inside me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be holding a resentment towards my parents when they rejected specific relationships that I tried to make them aware of, therefore, leading me to simply hide from them and keep relationships in secret

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to feel sad and depressed about my family knowing almost nothing about me, about how I experience myself or what I was going through, not realizing that I created and supported this separation locking myself up to not speak or share about my personal life

About this point well I still wouldn't be so open towards them, they would only judge and criticize and ask questions that would probably be from the starting point of them being an apParent authority towards myself in means to keep me 'safe' and 'get the best for me'. Lol we all know that the family construct and parental authority is complete bullshit - and they aren't willing to place themselves as being one and equal and stop playing their role towards myself - and I better just glide along that because I see it as something difficult to just erase from their ways of existing towards myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever consider me as someone that is 'suffering' because of the way my sister treated me at times, not realizing that it was my own acceptance and allowance to see her words as being able to harm or affect me in any way whatsoever.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be judging her and tagging her as being bitter, frustrated and tired towards her own self and using her relationship and future marriage just as an ultimate escape of herself, which isn't possible anyways.

I forgive mysefl that I have accepted and allowed myself to create this feeling of disgust towards her and the ways she's leading her life, living out of what 'she owns' and trying to fit into social standards within her looks and what she owns and what she does

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever declare that she decomposed herself when entering into university and forgetting about her real nature, stepping into a world where 'the way you look is the way you're treated' and basing her life currently upon wordly desires and traditions and manners that support enslavement of people within the system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my sister as being ridiculous for what she wears or does in means of being 'original and cool'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience embarrassment of her towards her boyfriends, because of existing in the sister relationship in fear of them thinking that I am the same way or 'runs in the family' or something, within this trying to mantain the 'who I am' in opposition to my sister's reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my sisters for existing in polarities: one of them being a controller towards her partner and the other one being too submissive towards her husband -

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my sisters because of them never actually having listened to anything I shared with them with regards to relationships, not realizing that each and every single being has to walk their process alone and only support when required.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build frustration out of my family never really paying attention to me and applying the things I say because of them wanting to keep themselves in a 'light lifestyle' not having to worry about themselves and facing who they are and have become.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then consider themselves as being 'less' than who I am because at least I am willing and am standing up to face myself, and they aren't - creating only a separation by my own definitions and understanding because I am one and equal to them and I have to embrace them as myself so that I stop any and all judgment existent towards them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get frustrated or fed up with them wanting to over protect me, fearing that I go out in the night alone and fearing that something 'might happen to me'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever think that It would've been cool to just disappear from this world as committing suicide so that they didn't have to struggle with me or pay for my living support or disrupt their 'nice bubble' with my comments and attitude.

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to place a value, worth and meaning to any and all considerations coming from my parents or sisters that judged and criticized 'who I am' never realizing that nothing of that was ever real as being the actual truth of themselves or myself, but merely system reactions as 'who we are' within our ideas, perceptions, opinions and personality of ourselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to criticize and judge my sister for being selfish without seeing the selfishness that exists within me

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see that all that which bothers me is me as well, therefore, I stop participating in reactions of what anyoen or anything may say or do towards myself because then I am merely supporting the existence of self abuse, self judgment and constant separation created by mere ideas, beliefs and perceptions of the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having placed and created a 'separate bad' so to speak towards my family within my embracing all as one process, defining them as being the beings that I have to separate myself from first because of them representing the blueprint existing in me as a personality, as a definition within a family context. And this is separation, this is denying what exists within me, what I am and what I will become If I don't stop myself first.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly judge my parents for being talking about what I considera as unimportant things, of being judging and talking about others therefore feeling ashamed of having been born within this, not realizing that they are merely playing their characters which isn't who they really are for real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having created an idea and perception of me being a drag towards my parents, making them spend much more money to sustain me within this, fearing creating them conflicts and considering my life as not being 'worth living' - yes stupid thoughts but I did got to such conclusions at some point in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create resentment towards my family for words that were spoken without awareness, for moments of them exerting their anger and blaming it all on me - I stand and take responsibility for all I create and have created and accepted within this and I am not willing to support any and all reactions within myself if the situations repeat.

I do not accept and allow myself to place worth and value on to what they might think or believe about me, to judge or question my decisions or current application within my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be showing myself as being fed up or frustrated or angry when being around them which merely keeps me up in thoughts of why I have to be in such a mood, instead of being here as breath where no-thing moves but only the breath as me as Who I REALLY am

all the rest is just not real.

Besides all and everything they might think, do, believe, perceive, judge and create opinions on - they are life as one and equal with me here so I embrace them as who they really are and forgive themselves as me for any and all harm caused by words spoken in unawareness.

I breathe through all contact and communication with my family, I walk and stop all reactions within me that lead to compound memories of what I've experienced and lived getting me to a 'fed up point' which is merely declaring that I am not here as breath but in the mind as memories and past holds on to the resentment towards them created by my own will.

OK- pressure in chest is a bit relieved now. Breath is just the only 'thing' that stabilizes while facing people like my sister some hours ago while she is yelling and cursing and bitching at me. I stand still and breathe and watch my reactions - then write them out - and here's the result of that.

Thanks

on fam

Apr. 19th, 2009 at 12:11 AM

I forgive myself that I am accepting and allowing myself to separate from family deliberately, creating a barrier towards them because of them representing myself as the past - instead of embracing them one and equal as me, embracing myself as the past as a part of me that once was, so I stand one and equal to my past as myself here to not be affected by it in defining myself as 'who I am' here, in this very moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel as an ungrateful being for not being pleasing my parents or family members with me participating and/or acting as they would probably want me to be - I stop all perceptions and ideas of 'who they want me to be' as they have no real meaning or 'value' on who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and criticize my sister in my head for her tastes, for her ways of being leading her life and the concerns she's got in her head, occupying it with her wedding

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my family as being vain and deliberately ignorant from what's going on in this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my father as a 'perfect robot' by the way he supports the system, by the way he lives a systematic life and doing everything he has to do to have everything under control - not realizing that I've got this as well, living day by day within an established routine where I try to keep and want to keep everything 'under control' -

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my mother for her being too 'aware' of 'how I am looking' and having her checking me out constantly on how is my body looking etc, she's just placing her fears on to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a certain complex towards my body because of my mother or sisters always 'checking me out' and pointing out things that I 'own' that they don't or vice versa, existing in constant comparison based on physical appearance

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to compare myself towards my sisters in wanting to define 'who's better looking' than the other - and this being supported by our own parents at times

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be disgusted at times by my mother's ways on how she wants to control everything, to talk 'for me', to justify and sugar coat things so that others don't see and realize the truth of things when it comes to myself or family or anything else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop this disrespect feeling towards my family, in a non-conscious way because of them not being interested at all in 'becoming real' but deliberately choosing to remain blindfolded, not caring about life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever define myself as being a burden to my family, because of having to deal with someone that isn't like them, that doesn't stick to their rules and ways of being

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress this feeling that I developed as a kid feeling a complete outsider in my family, within that withdrawing from them, and finding myself being comfortably numb watching music videos and reading

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that my sisters didn't really want me, that they hated me because of having 'stolen' their place, for having ruined the 'perfect harmony' they had when being only 4 in the family.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to forget about having cried and feeling sad and sorry for myself in my past as a child because of feeling very alienated from my own family, going then into eventual comparison and creation of a personality that would be defined as the opposite of my sister's.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself for having thought or believed and perceived that because of having 'ruined the family' as breaking the harmony and perfect relationships within it, I wasn't a desired child, that I came out as a mistake and that they didn't even want me to be a woman, but a boy.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself for ever having desired being a boy just because of wanting to please my parents dream of 'finally having a boy' after two girls - which merely supported the idea of me being kind of 'boy-ish' merely to test their reactions - though it was cool as it supported me embracing both genres - getting to understand how boys' mind work and opening up within my sexual expression as a 'girl' the way I saw it was 'already open' for males.

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to define my family members as being inferior, less than me, considering them having to learn from me even though I am the 'youngest member'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me according to having a specific relation in time towards my sister's and my date of birth that define 'who I am' within the family construct

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for experiencing embarrassment from my family

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to judge my family members for the way they were 'so proud of me' because of the recognition I got throughout school life, because I never considered them as being the direct cause of my development, though never considered their mere support to give me education, a place to live, an appropriate living environment and almost everything I ever asked for just so I could have a 'good life quality' - which I've taken for granted

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel odd as being defined as 'their daughter' as if I am an object of their own, not realizing that this is merely a definition within the system - we are one and equal, no one owns another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be judging my sisters for the way they are choosing to live their lives, to direct themselves in means of marriage and finding a stability point where they are able to procreate more humans into this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to severely judge people that is pregnant, that are planning to have a baby because of my consideration that it is completely inappropriate to bring kids into this world, not realizing that they will keep coming anyways

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose all desire to speak while in the table because of not having my parents attention in the past towards that which I am sharing, or merely defining me as a 'coo-coo' and therefore, not really listening

I do not accept and allow myself to condition my expression though, it is but a moment of directing myself, being clear on the starting point of sharing something, not being to merely trigger their reactions or say something that seems 'out of their heads' at this moment - I share myself in common sense and communicate whenever I want to without existing in the automatic self defeat as 'they won't listen anyways' and hinder myself.

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to define me as the 'non important family member' because of my sisters always 'being there' to get the social recognition and me always standing 'in the back' as the little one, within this not allowing me to really be equal to them, but always feeling that they were 'made' to be liked by people, within this

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to try and adopt my sister's ways for a while while being in puberty because of thinking that I had to get the same recognition they did, that I had to have fun the same ways they did and that I had to eventually 'grow up and become like then' never seeing the limitations I was placing within myself in means of trying to fit

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my very first 'stab in the back' by my supposed 'best friend' at an early age in first years of primary school as her talking shit about me and not talking to me out of the blue, within this feeling that I had to be constantly 'bettering' myself to be within their likes, so they could accept or like me

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to then develop a fear to be recognized or being 'the favorite one' in any school situation because then no one would want to be my friend and would consider me as a nerd.

Oh the other day there was this girl at workshop and I take one class with her. She once really only wanted to take advantage of me delivering all the works and asking if we could 'work in team' to do the homeworks. I noticed her intentions so I said that I am better working all alone - and the other day as I was explaining my real school situation as not having all the credits I should she said 'Oh I thought you really were a nerd!' and that kind of shocked me, it had been so long since anyone talked straightforward to me using the word 'nerd' and considering myself one - and I said welll I guess not - but I stopped for a moment there and saw the reactions I had towards that word. It is a word I also feared as a definition placed on myself because, it apparently meant 'not being cool' and 'not ever being able to fit in' etc - so that's why for a period in my puberty and early teenage years, I tired to fit, I tried to do what other people my age where - eventually experiencing the usual thing though, mostly being challenging my own created morality system and pushing myself beyond being 'the nerd' as defined by some.

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed mysefl to be 'too proud' of my mental habilities and claiming - in means of defending myself - that nerd meant being reading and studying like crazy, while I didn't have to do that, within this feeling like a superior being

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to pity someone or anyone that 'would not know the answer' and feeling their shame and embarassment as me, instead of supporting them as me here, stopping their fears and limitations - well I wasn't aware of this at that time, but it's never too late to go 'back' and bring it here and correct myself.

I trust myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that as long as I remain within the same 'position' or place within my family, I am not able to stop myself because of them constantly reminding me as the past - not realizing that it's not about them and their considerations but about me here in every moment - there is no excuse

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be keeping a resentment towards my mother because of her having rejected all people I've been involved with within friendships or 'relationships' forcing me to go hiding and do things without them knowing, of course, creating an even larger separation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having allowed myself to grow up within my own creation as ideas of 'not belonging to this family' and 'not belonging in this city' and 'not belonging in this country' as an excuse to create a someone that would challenge the traditional ways of being.

Well this is kind of useful though sometimes the starting point was that of merely wanting to trigger reactions, and it all existed within me firstly defining myself as my family, as my society and 'world' where I live in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel once again cold blooded for not feeling anything 'bad' for not having a certain kind of 'feelings' towards my family members at the moment - or maybe I just haven't realized I do because of being 'near them' regularly

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and create the idea in my mind that I was mostly picked on by sisters and cousins as a little girl because of being the smallest one and the center of attraction, therefore, connecting the idea that they were really jealous of me therefore, they picked on me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having feared kids my age when I was a kid because of being aware of their 'bad' feelings such as self interest and self dishonesty. which I could then see were already similar to the adult world.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to swap polarities throughout my life - from being a happy girl to a bitter and depressed teenager, to a confused creation few years ago -

I embrace the past as me

I embrace my 'family' as me being one and equal beyond the bonds we 'naturally' have and I stand as myself as placing myself available for support whenever it is required.

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Jul. 2nd, 2009

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The original pain

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May. 12th, 2009

The Building - the delusion

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Apr. 20th, 2009

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On sister, more on family - resentment, begrudge, etc.

on fam

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